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18 May 2009


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You're a good person. I'm sorry for her loss. I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm glad you were able to talk to her, and offer some comfort in her time of need. I'm amazed at how well you're holding up. But I sure wish you didn't have to deal with any of this.


I am so proud of you. In some ways that had to have been good for you but also painful. And knowing you can't fast forward her to 5 weeks, how hard. But I'm willing to bet it all that you did more for her than you'll ever know.

I'm sad to say that the only reason I found you was through the blogosphere of pain 5 weeks ago when my regular blog reads began screaming/crying for you (and Maddie). But I will say that reading about it all has made me appreciate my kiddos and my life more than usual...


It takes someone who has been in that situation to truly be able to say what needs to be said. I hope that you found some comfort.


I think people who have lost someone are the only one's that can really help.


Trish captured exactly what I was going to write. My heart goes out to both of you for these unspeakable losses.


You've done the one thing that other people in her life haven't- you've been through it. Other people can imagine, but they can't know. Finding someone who understands your pain is priceless- one of the few things that will get both of you through. I hope it helps you as much as you helped her.


I've said it before and I'll say it again. You are one of the strongest people I know (of). It amazes me that in your time of grief you would open yourself up & offer solace to another mother. It gives me hope that all is not lost in the world. Thank You. ♥




Wow - is she lucky to have you! Thank you for helping me to continue to be grateful for all that I have! I love that you have a foul mouth - me too. I was at work this morning and our 5th graders were performing and a mother with a newborn needed me to hold her baby, so she could take pictures of her older son. Oh how lucky I felt, but I though of Thalon the entire time! I never knew him or held him, but oh how sweet he must have felt in your arms.

Camels & Chocolate

You are such a good person. To already be so eager to help others talk out their own grief when it's still fresh for you, well that just takes an act of a saint.


Oh sweetie. How I wish neither of you knew this pain.

I'm so sorry.


Thanks goodness you were able to gain some catharsis and help someone else gain some also. Keep plugging away.

Lynn from For Love or Funny

I wish I could pour a Red Bull and Vodka for both of you.


I am so sorry for your loss, and hers.
She is lucky to have met you...and I find it admirable and wonderfully loving that you wanted to take her pain.
Again, I'm so sorry you have to feel this in the first place.


what you are going through isa so heart breaking to read, but i can't help but come back to it. (crying at work is a little bit embarassing, but they'll all have to get over it.)

what you are going through is every mother;s nightmare. and i think we all worry about it constantly, even if in the back of our minds.

my babies are 24 and 20 - and still i worry - maybe more.

keep sharing. i hope it helps you. i think it will help a lot of people some day.


You're a good person for doing that. If I ever went through some shit, I would so want you on my side.


I think I speak for many who read your words here...I wish I could take the pain away from both of you. It seems to me that the two of you talking is a really good thing since only the two of you can know what you are going through.

Here's to red bull and vodka *clinks glasses*

Candice at Wolfs on Safari

How very brave of you. Still sending prayers and virtual hugs your way.


One of the only real positives I can see to grief and loss is the fact that after we experience it (during, really) we are able to be there for people in a new way. You gave that woman a gift by being there and for understanding her pain in a way few people could. And while I wouldn't wish your loss upon you or anyone, there is that in all this. A little glimmer of hope and goodness in the dark.


You're a rock star. You helped that woman so much, I doubt she'll ever be able to thank you. And I think, in turn, you probably helped yourself a little bit.

This line: "I literally wanted to take her pain as mine as not to have anyone else to suffer the way she is going to suffer" is how I think a lot of us feel. I would gladly take the pain away from any parent that has lost their child if I could. Instead, all I can provide is virtual hugs and I'd send you booze in the mail if they'd let me.

Belly Girl

How incredible are you that you could have a conversation like that with someone when you are so knee deep in shit yourself? Wow. You are one strong lady.


Theres a healing thing that happens when we reach out to help someone else. Hell, thats what my friend/pastor tells me all the time. But I think it's kind of true. You have a big heart. I wish you were there to talk to when I went thru something similar a hundred years ago. Reading you just takes me right back there and then I see how much better I am today. I will keep you in my prayers. I don't know you but I care about you so very much, love deb


I think everyone else said all the things I'd like to tell you. Go reread their comments.


I just have no words. It is the unthinkable,unimaginable- yet you are living it and in turn have had the ability to help someone in desperate need of your total and complete understanding. You just seem like an incredibly amazing person to me. I just want you to know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers.

Karen Amesse

I'm a lurker who found your blog through a link of a link of a link - you get the picture. I have cried with you, for you... but can't even begin to pretend as though I know one ounce of what you are experiencing. I want you to know that not only have you helped that stranger, but you help many in the internet world as well. I have suggested your site to a friend who lost her 2-day old son and is in complete despair. I also shared the following article with her, so that she could give it to those family members and friends who are at a loss as to what to do or say... The ones who offer crazy ideas like clearing out your baby's room. The article is pretty textbook and only touches the surface, but I thought I'd share it anyway...


bethany actually

You did a good thing, talking to her. And by doing so, you DID allow some of her pain to flow to you through the phone lines. I know it.

Miss E

Another reason why you are such an amazing and inspiring woman, Shana. To help another through grief that is still so raw for you...I am without words. You are such a special person. I still have you in my prayers and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and your sweet family. I only wish I could do more...

Love and hugs from AZ xoxo


Wow, your strength just stuns me. And I am strangely comforted knowing that you were able to laugh through the pain. Sendig love, Red Bull and vodka your way...


It is not fucking fair. Not for you not for her. You and she can decide when and what to move and do what is good and feasible for your lives on your own time. I'm proud of you (as weird as that sounds and as little as I know you.) You're such a good person. And the cursing only adds to how endearing you are. (Said the sailor to the trucker.)

remember moments

It was unbelievably kind of you to talk to her while you are still grieving. I'm sorry for both of you. thinking of you often!

a madhouse wife

I agree with healing happening when you reach out to someone else. I'm glad you did this for her and I'm glad she had you to talk to. I wish neither of you ever had a reason to need to speak to each other, but now that you do, I'm happy you have each other. Still think about and pray for you every day.


You are a lovely, lovely woman to hold someone else's hand as you are still stumbling along. What a gift of grace you have given her.

Praying for peace for both of you. What an awful, awful experience to share.


One day at a time, dear... One day at a time... It's all we can do...


What a touching story. I can identify with the feelings you have regarding wanting to reach out to her and wanting to take away her pain. I am not at all comparing the loss of a parent to the loss of a child, but when my dad died way too young from cancer, I had a couple of friends who were nearly smothering. Both had lost a parent early. Both rushed to try to take care of me, and one actually said as she cried with me, "I just want to take all of your pain. I would if I could." At the time, I thought that was sweet, but kind of strange. And then my "turn" came. (I'm not overly warm-fuzzy, and I don't usually spring into action to help people,even though I do care.) Since Dad died, I have had a friend lose her father to cancer, and from the point of diagnosis on, I just wanted to save her from all of the pain. I want to take it unto myself. I've even felt this way when I hear of a stranger going through what we did.

You are a testament to how good people can be. I am amazed that now, during a time when your grief is still raw, you want to reach out to this woman. What a blessing that you've found each other, and I'm sure you have a new friend for life.

I've commented before. I do not know you, but my heart breaks for you, and you remain a constant in my prayers.


What is wrong with this planet? Another little baby? I can't wrap my brain around it. I can only imagine that you must feel like you're in some horrible dream.

Regardless of what I believe in, it's impossible to find any reason for these tragedies.
I think of you a million times a day, and I hope that eventually your life will find some kind of normalcy. I don't expect the pain to go away, but at least it would be nice if you weren't bombarded with it constantly.

That was very kind, what you did for that woman. I feel you have an ability to help people let their guards down and truly be themselves. She was "lucky" (I use the word losely b/c of her tragedy) to have you to talk to.


>>If only I had been able to do so.<<
You did.
Prayers from CA


I so admire you- for your kindness and humor and honesty in the wake of such a brutal tragedy.


You are amazing. I am so glad that friend-of-a-friend has you. Really, your wonderfulness in the face of this utterly cruel trick of life brings tears to my eyes. Not only do I want to send you heart covered vodka red bulls, I want to make you a giant fucking fountain (like, a plaza-style water fountain) spouting the stuff in excess, because no amount would be enough.


You said the right things, and I am amazed by that. Amazed you could do that for someone else when your own wound is so fresh. Well done. As an old pro at this grief for a baby thing, I wish I could take the pain for both of you.


If I was there I would hug you and tell you how sorry I am that you know what a mother in this situation needs. What grace you have and give.


this post bought me to tears, I can't imagine what you are going through and I agree it is fucked up!. My thoughts are with you and your family and others who are experiencing the same.

Gwen Jackson

It's weird the way we can still laugh while in great sorrow and grief, isn't it? I remember laughing for the first time after my sister died and feeling the shock of it, that I could still laugh. It is the thing that lets you know there is something left inside you that can still live, I think. What a brave and loving woman you are, to not only talk to someone so fresh with pain, but to be willing to take on her pain yourself. Of course, you can't do that. But you wanted to, and that is just humanity at it's very best.


You were a good mensch. Thinking of you and now, by extension, her. I wish both of you peace.


What a wondeful person you are to help someone and put your grief aside to comfort someone.


Wow Shana. You are a wonderful, caring, kind, dear person. I am so sorry you are going through this and the other mom is going through this - it is awful and unfair. I am certain you helped her in a way no one else could. I wish I could help you in any way. All I can offer is my support and endless internet hugs. ((HUGSHUGSHUGSHUGS))


I am speechless. As a mother, just reading your posts absolutly tears me apart. I can not begin to imagine what you are living and I know there is nothing at all I can say that will help at all, but please know that what you are doing -sharing your feelings for others in your shoes to read- is so important. Whether it is your intention or not, someone will find comfort in your words.


How wonderful that you could be there for her, and in ways you may not yet realize she could be there for you. I'm glad you told her not to let anyone touch her son's things. When Alex died my family, with the best of intentions, wanted to get home before us and take anything baby out of our home. My best friend who was with us put the kibosh on that and I forever thank her for it. Just because he's gone doesn't mean he doesn't/didn't exist. It was heartbreaking to walk into our home after so many long weeks in the hospital and see the baby swing he would never be comforted in and the drawers full of clothes and diapers he would never wear. But it was so very healing for my husband and children and I to be able to, in our own time, pack those things away peice by peice. We needed it.

It's been over 3 years since my son left us and somehow I keep stumbling upon blogs and stories of parents new to this journey as I find mothers further out than I somehow finding me. I don't really know how it happens but I'm always glad it does. As you were to that mother, I can be to you... the knowledge that it's ok to survive the first day, to 5 weeks, to 3 years and beyond. We are all a part of this club no one wants to join now. A sisterhood of life aint fucking fairs. And our hearts will break a little everytime another mother has to walk THAT day that we walked before. But our hearts mend a little to, somehow. Maybe in the knowledge that a day we walked already is one we'll never have to face again.



That you would reach out and help someone else in the midst of your own terrible pain says alot about you as a person. You are a good soul, Shana. Everyone needs a friend like you.


i have no experiences in life remotely similar to what you're dealing with but i would like to humbly offer this advice to a woman i have recently begun to (virtually) admire: i have found, during tough times, that a spoon full of ice cream may not chase the blues away but in a pinch it sure can make that shot of vodka go down nice and smooth...

nic @mybottlesup

again.... so fucking sorry. i'm sorry that you have to reconfront your own pain through someone else's, but so thankful that this other person has you... 4 redbull and vodkas later.

i'm just so fucking sorry. i truly am.

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