lost and found

Rich was cleaning his photo card from his work camera the other day and came across a picture of Thalon I never knew existed.

 

Feelings of anguish rush at an alarming rate when I look at his sweet little face. I start to AGAIN question, why me? WHY HIM? Why, why, why?

The answer is: there is no answer. I'm doing the best I can to come to grips with the non-answer. I do know that when I look at this picture, my heart aches and have to remind myself and my girls, he is/was a part of our family especially when my oldest said tonight, "mommy, you don't have a son."

my response? "honey, we still have a brother and son. we just can't see him right now but we need to always remember him. He's just as much a part of our family as you and I."

I then think about this response and realize what a hard concept for a child to understand and grasp given I'm a 40 year old woman, who doesn't understand it herself. I'm not sure I ever will.

Comments

[Kristie]

You have sure got some powerful DNA in those veins of yours --- Thalon looks JUST LIKE his sisters in that photo!! :)

I'm not commenting on the past because just reading the comments saddened me and enraged me and made me so freaking happy that so many people had your back. And to quote Forrest Gump, "that's all I have to say about that".

FWIW, two more years won't make a difference because I'm 42 and I don't understand it either. Just know that now, and two years from now, and for as long as you'll have me, I'll be here to listen and support you. Speaking of 103 degrees ... lets go have lunch soon in an AIR-CONDITIONED restaurant -- forget those stupid patios!!

[a madhouse wife]

I can't stop looking at that picture. He is so beautiful. You said the right thing, even if you don't understand it yourself. Love to you all!

[Kami]

You are right, there is no understanding. But you are also right that he is a part of your family forever.

That picture is haunting. My first thought was why too.

My heart goes out to you all. Daily.

[KtMeyers]

What a beautiful little man.

Peace and comfort to you and every member of your family and friends.

I'm so sorry.

[Debby Pucci]

I agree with Kristie they all look alike. Look at those beautiful lips they have. Your in my heart and always in my prayers. If I can ask, how is your husband doing?

[Sarah]

What a beautiful picture. Such a gorgeous boy.

[Dnay]

Oh what a precious picture. It breaks my heart in pieces yet I'm so happy that you have such a great picture of him.

[Dnay]

PS. You're 40? Really? I missed that.
I'm 44 and someone recently mentioned my 40th birthday. Late much?

[sarah]

What a bittersweet treasure to be finding pictures you didn't know you had of him. Such a beautiful boy. My heart just aches for you and your family.

[Rebecca]

What a beautiful boy your son is. You are a wonderful woman. I wish I had some words of wisdom that would make this all easier for you, but I don't. I am keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers. My heart aches for a life lost before he even had a chance to shine.

[Britt]

Awww! He is definitely part of your family. What a sweet smile!

[Vicky]

What a sweet, precious little boy.

[R]

What a beautiful, beautiful baby. So precious, and so heartbreaking, that you have a "new", never before seen picture of your angel.

I will never understand death, especially the loss of children. Makes no fcking sense whatsoever. Hugs to you.

[GingerB]

You might all have gorillabuns but you are also the luscious lip family.

Sign me up for the club of people who can't explain deep stuff to kids since I don't actually know what I believe, but I do know he will always be yours, forever and ever.

[R]

Dear Shana,

I debated on posting this, but you remind me of my personality and I guess I would want to know. I stumbled upon this link quite by accident and wanted to share something I read with you, that might explain why your precious baby was found on his stomach when you left him on his back:

"It is also possible to find the baby face down even though he/she
was placed on their back to sleep. After death, gravity and the
pooling of blood (lividity) could cause the baby to collapse into a
“face down” position."

It came from this site:

http://www.californiasids.com/Universal/MainPage.cfm?p=45

I read it and thought maybe in some way it would explain the change in position for you. Likely, he didn't accidentally roll over at all, the change in position sounds like it could have been attributed to the SIDS and happened after he passed.

Im so sorry you were forced to deal with this. I do believe your sweet baby is fine, and you will see him again. My heart aches for your loss:(

[Trish]

You're right, Shana. Thalon will always be a part of your family. He will always be your son. And for whatever it's worth, I believe that someday, you will be reunited and it will seem as though you were never apart. I don't pretend to know how it all works, but I have to believe that somehow, it does. Grief is for this life; it's not forever. And I hope that somehow, that thought might help just a little bit.

That's a beautiful picture. I'm glad it showed up. Keep remembering.

[sassy]

He will always be a part of your family.

I have an aunt who lost her daughter when she was eight years old. She told me the same thing. That was oer twenty years ago. She still talks to her daughter, relates to her, loves her... she even signs the Christmas cards with her name at the bottom, and little angel wings.

ANgel wings aren't really my thing, but this aunt is such an amazing person years later... full of love and life. Her house was always full, often some random friend of one of her five remaining kids or even a stranger was living with them. She told me recently that when she lost her daughter there was such an immense hole, she couldn't fill it so she used it to love.

No one understands my aunt, and people sometimes thought she was morbid. I guess they think you should shut up and pretend like your child was never there. A month after she lost her daughter, my grandmother went to her home while she was out and found every trace of her dead daughter, and took it with her to the city garbage dump.

That's f0#ked up.

Your Thalon is so so so beautiful, and I'm glad you have one more photo to rememeber him by. You sound lika a beautiful and amazing mom Shana.

I wish I knew how to help. If they bottled strength I'd send you some. If I knew where to find it.

[page]

I don't understand it, you don't understand it, she doesn't understand it, but we're given it and we make it a part of who we are and how we are. Amazing beings, humans are. I'm so glad your girls have you and Rich to help them to learn the world and understand it all.

He's so beautiful, Shana. What a gift.

[Mom24@4evermom]

I am in awe of your skills. You are absolutely right that there was no reason for this horrible loss. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I wish you peace.

[Stephanie]

What a treasure, having one more picture of your sweet boy. As usual, I echo everyone else's comments: I'm just not as eloquent. Thinking of you ~

[BassAckwards Mom]

What a beautiful photo. How very bittersweet to have a special surprise like that, at the same time I fully understand how heart wrenching it is to see someone in a photo that you have lost.... having lost my brother.

On of my very favorite quotes....

“It's surprising how much of memory is built around things unnoticed at the time.” ~Barbara Kingsolver

[Cynnie]

I suck at comfort..when my daughter has some drama going on in her life ( and she ALWAYS has some drama goin on)
I just awkwardly pat her on the back and talk about how much weight i need to lose.

yeah, Im a giver..

[Virginia]

I think some things we just aren't ever capable of understanding.

Hugs.

[heather]

what a beautiful photo, what a beautiful baby. as always my heart breaks for you.

you will always have a son and your girls a brother. explaining that to people may be difficult at times.

a friend who lost her son at 20 always struggles when a new acquaintance asks how many kids she has - because she always wants to includes him, but sometimes uncomfortable conversations follow.

and your husband finding this photo reminds me of a project i MUST complete - i have video and photos of my friends son growing up that i need to compile for her. i am sure that i have video of him that she has never seen.

[kate]

Finding this photo was likely a surprise or shock but probably a treasure too. My heart aches for you and your family. If sending out healing thoughts through the universe actually works, please know that that's exactly what I am doing right now.

Your son is a beautiful person and always will be.

[Bitts]

How beautiful. What a treasure to find that picture!

I have often heard that parents who have lost children struggle with how to answer the question "How many children do you have?" IMO, the answer is simple: You have three children. You will ALWAYS have three children. Anyone who wants to know how many children you have can know about Thalon because he is 100% a part of your family, and will be forever.

I think of you every day, Shana. My heart aches for you.

[Aunt Becky]

I don't understand it, either.

[Gwen Jackson]

That's a really sweet picture of him. I sometimes like to find things that my drew or wrote before she died that I had not seen before. It was a strange way of feeling like she was still with me, offering me new things to contemplate. I know it's hard to think in any positive way about your loss; and I'm not trying to indicate that you should be doing that. I just thought I'd share my perspective on finding "new" things related to your loved one after they pass away.

It's a strange thing for me to get asked, "How many brothers/sisters do you have?" I don't know how to answer that question honestly without talking about the loss. I think the truth is that you do have a son, he is just not in a place where you can touch him in any tangible way.

I still don't understand my loss either and it's been two years. I've learned that life is a bunch of sadnesses with a little joy sprinkled in here and there.

[Michelle]

What a treasure to find something like a beautiful picture of Thalon!! I know it added sadness to your day but maybe a little joy to see it!

Love to you!
Michelle in Herculaneum

I think your response to your daughter was perfect....you are right, it is hard for you to even fathom much less the mind of an 8 year old.

Did you find any organization similar to Annie's Hope in your area??

[Ashley]

I read your blog quite often and just as often feel at a loss for words. There is nothing that I can say that will make this better, nothing I can do for you that will change what happened or what will happen as you learn to survive - because I can only imagine that's what you're doing right now, just survivng.

The best I can say is I'm praying for you, your husband and your girls. And as an aside Ms. Morgan's comment (which because I'm a curious george and I had to find it) made my blood boil. You have strength beyond what I posses to respond as you did, I'd have probably sent some muscle over to deal with her.

It's a lovely photo of your son. All of your children are so lucky to be loved so very much!

[Heather]

Your son is beautiful. I can't evne imagine what you are going throuhg. My heart aches for you. I think and pray for you daily.

Sending some hugs froma random stranger **Hug**

[grace monk]

You are always and forever Thalon's mom. And knowing why doesn't always help, even on small things. I don't want to know why, I want it to not have ever happened. I'm so sorry...

love

[Krystyn]

an adorable picture. i'm sorry that it is bittersweet. hang in there!

[Queen Of Relationships]

Precious baby boy

[Christine]

Thalon was gorgeous. He will always remain a part of you and your family. I wish that there was something better to say, but I am so sorry.

[Michele]

Your son is beautiful. Thank you for sharing that picture with us. It is hard for your children, I'm sure, to grasp a concept so hard for us to understand, even with our adulthood. But you are doing the right thing by gently helping them remember.

[Meg]

Love that sweet baby boy!!
If I live to be 100 years old, I will NEVER understand why babies are taken from their mothers. It is not the natural way.
God bless all of you as you journey through life.

[JoAnn]

No words sweetie. Just hugs and prayers from another mom whose heart aches for you.

[Rach]

I won't ever get it, either.

I love his lips.

[Lezel]

I completely understand the non-answer.....the same answer we had we my brother, it is pure agony. Love you my friend.

[Lisa Wood]

What a beautiful photo of Thalon.... so glad that you have an extra precious photo of your little man. He is just gorgeous...

Love how you let your girls know that he will always be a part of your family because that is something you will always have...no one can take your memories of Thalon away no matter what.

Sweet dreams little man...love sent your way.

stay strong and true to yourself.
Cheers
Lisa

[Colleen]

What a gorgeous photo. He looks just like you.

And I love the look of happiness on his face!

[Haley-O]

You know, Shana, I have a friend I go to the gym with. She lost her son the day he was born -- she calls that day both the happiest and worst day of her life. His name was Marshall. My friend had him for ONE day, and she mentions him BY NAME in everyday conversation often, and I think that's beautiful.

It's really not my place to say, but I will anyway with hopes that this will help: I personally believe it's such a healthy thing for you to speak/think of Thalon as your son now and always. As IS, not WAS. Your son Thalon. Yes. Your son. You HAVE a son. And, dammit, he is BEAUTIFUL. It feels a little better - a little less anguishing, I would think - to talk about him like this. So, why not.... I just so wish, with welled-up eyes right now, that you could touch him. Heartfelt blessings to you and the family. ((hugs))

[mrsj]

I think your answer to your daughter was perfect, and I love the photo. I'm sure it was hard to look at, but I hope on some level it brought you some comfort and peace.

[S]

What a sweet little face in that picture. My heart hurts for you and your family. I just don't understand. If I heard anyone say that they understand it I wouldn't believe them. How can you understand? It's just not natural and so wrong. Hugs...

[Hollie]

He is beautiful. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family. Sending big hugs from Oregon

[Katie]

What handsome man he is. God, I am sorry.

I remember only too well the day that I realize that Life Is Unfair. I was heavily bleeding during our third miscarriage and the evening news showed a story about a mom who THREW HER BABY IN THE RIVER IN A BLACK GARBAGE BAG?

I mean, What the FUCK? What kind of world allows that scenario to play out, where a wanted and loved baby dies before it has a chance to live, and then someone like that, who shouldn't even be allowed to be called a MOM, throws their baby away? What the fuck???

Life is unfair. And so hard.

And I am so, so, so very sorry.

[Josie]

You're 40?? You look a hell of a lot younger than I do and I won't be there till August. Damn Canadian winters and dry skin.

Beautiful picure of Thalon. And your response? Perfect. Will you ever understand why this happened? That I can't answer but I can tell you that you are doing a great job of getting up every morning and being there for your family.

Your doing what you can and that is what's important. I'm in awe of how you are handling things and who cares if it involves tears, red bull, vodka, etc. We all deal with things differently.

Again - {{hugs}} from north of the border.

[Parker_B]

You are an awesome momma. My parents lost their first-born daughter fourteen years before I was born, but she has always been part of our family. We had a memorial for her when I was a kid, and I think about her all the time. Can't wait to finally meet her some day. My parents' first grandchild is named after her, too! I have always appreciated my parents being honest about their feelings about everything- totally natural.

[Ashley Hast]

I hope you continue to find precious treasures of your sweet little man.