feed me seymour

I've always spouted a shitty motto to everyone and all who would listen (because you know I'm not an arm-chair Psychologist but I play one in real life), "if you have to ask yourself, am i going crazy? You really aren't crazy at all."

I am beginning to rethink, revise and redact this motto to better suit my current situation. You know, to make me feel better about myself.

"If you have to ask yourself, am I going crazy? Odds are you ARE going, about to be going or in a full-out crazy episode but IF you are still reasoning with yourself about the copious amounts of snot streaming down your face for vanity's sake and how your blotchy crying episodes make a Kool-aid 'stach and uniform uni-brow on your swollen face, you aren't full out crazy. Only slightly." Aren't we all just slightly crazy? Please say yes. Thank you.

It seems Saturday evening, I happened to dial for dollars for the first time since our life changed drastically in April. Basically, it was one of the first times in my life that I reached out to someone else in a "major mid-state" for help and support. Strange, I know but true. Rich and the girls were away to visit friends while I went into a full on panic attack. I called one of my friends who I know can talk me down from the ledge without making me feel more shitty about myself. I garbled into the phone, cried and made no fucking sense what-so-ever. Yes, it was one of my finer moments in life but we all fail and fall at one time or another, don't we?

Wait, I forgot, I called another fellow blogger first in which she was at a function and well, since I've met her one time two years ago, she made me feel better too. I'd share who she is but I'm slightly embarrassed about bugging her during her party and I'm sure she probably wishes she never gave me her phone number and has probably call blocked me for future reference. But man, do I love her for answering her phone during a chaotic moment. You hear me Yvonne? I love you! Thank you for answering! and I promise to not bug you anymore! Really! BUT if I ever see you again? I'm going to give you a big 'ol squishy hug and you should know this means something as I don't like people touching me.

Anyway, back to "Rio". This is her code name. "Because she likes dancing on the sand...." and because she never thought it was strange I was calling her at midnight... Well, she didn't let on to me of the strangeness, she coaxed, prodded and talked me down from the proverbial ledge so I could live another day to be a wife, mother and daughter. So, RIO, if you are reading this, I'm both embarrassed and relived you answered the phone. I love you like a sister even if I happen to be the sister who long ago escaped from the loony-farm. and I'm an only child therefore, I really don't know what a sister relationship is supposed to entail but I felt safe for once to talk to someone other than my husband about how I was feeling and knew she wasn't going to do anything but listen. Comment at times and listen some more. Maybe even toast to something profound or un-profound about what I was professing. THIS is what I need and needed.

So, the next day I played like everything was sunshine and frolic and completed a couple loads of laundry and tended to shit that needed to be tended to in our household. I walked in the living room happening to come upon a big peace lily plant of which inhabits the shrine of "Thalon" under our fireplace. Suddenly, it started waving and moving. A motion that I would liken to an African ritualistic dance. I started calling for Rich to come into the living room to make sure he was seeing the same thing as I was. He didn't answer. I started asking Celia to get her father into the living room STAT as I really needed him. Yet, he didn't come when beckoned. I stood there. Watching the swaying and rustling of this poor plant that is half baked with brown leaves from neglect with the inner layer full of life, struggling to meet the sun, light and air. I SWEAR this plant was trying to communicate with me. Telling me, "hey, I'm still alive though you've killed every other plant in your house. I know because they are telling me, SHIT! I'm an old lady. Like 15 years old and I'm dying because this bitch won't water me."Yet, this one lonely large plant is preening underneath the shrine. Maybe to remind me that everything isn't dead just yet. There is new life struggling to present itself and make itself noticed among the chaos. After talking to the damn plant like it was an alien or worse yet, Thalon - Rich finally came into the living room. He looked at me and then at the plant. The plant did nothing. Finally after making him stare at it while proclaiming, "I swear to God I'm not crazy! Oh, my, God! I'm going crazy, aren't I?"  The plant swayed a bit for him. A pity sway if you will. He looked at me and turned the overhead fan off believing THIS was causing movement in the plant though, I've had this damn thing for four months and it has NEVERmoved before now. He left the room, I stared at this "thing" almost willing it to communicate with me again - realizing, yes, I am now crazy to think otherwise about a temperamental ornament.

I walked away, saw it move a bit, maybe in a mocking fashion and turned my back to the strange oddity in my house. If it is/was something communicating with me, I'm ignoring it. Pushing it back down like I am wont to do.

or more than likely, the plant was just damn happy to be fed water. Who knows. But I SWEAR! I'm not going crazy! At least I keep telling myself this hourly. This mantra seems to be working for me for the time being. Well, at least for today.

  

 

Comments

[Aunt Becky]

You're not going crazy, love.

[Noelle]

It's true, we all falter at some point in our lives, but crazy is relative, and you've earned the right to chalk it up to circumstance!

BTW, I'm a nightowl one time zone behind you, so you can talk to me anytime. Chances are even in the middle of the night you can catch me online!

[Melissa in TN]

That is wild.

Now I have "Suddenly Seymore" running through my head.

[Regina]

good stuff!

[Jen]

Womens World runs an article about angels contacting us through everday objects. Maybe Thalon was trying to let you know he is ok and still with you. I believe in our loved ones checking up on us. After my brother died I couldn't remember telling him I loved him. I cried for weeks. A friend of mine came to me one day to tell me about her dream. She described my bro perfectly (she'd never seen him before) and said he told her in his dream he knew I loved him and he loved me. I'll hold on to the fact my brother contacted me forever.

[a]

We're all a little bit crazy. And the swaying plant sign was just for you - fan or no fan.

[foundinidaho]

Suddenly Seymour. Perfect.

If you're crazy, I am and have been for years. And I prefer to think I'm not. Hang in there.

[Shannon Kieta]

Well, Shana...
I have killed every living plant I have ever brought into my house! My husband won't even buy me a hanging basket because I kill them within a few days. He claims I waste money. :( I used to be able to grow a greenhouse, since having kids; I don't know what the hell hapened! Don't feel bad, your NOT crazy... just busy! That plant is the last freakin' thing on your mind these days, not purposely, but un-intentional. You are a WONDERFUL MOM, WIFE,FRIEND,DAUGHTER,ETC. and I don't even know you!!! Hang in there chickie. I know these times are rough, but you can call me at midnight...it wouldn't bother me a bit! You have my e-mail...drop me an e-mail and I'll give you my number! Take care of yourslef! Shannon

[Brenda]

The good news is that you can go around telling people about your new friend "Lily", and how you and "Lily" discussed this or that.....and they won't know!!!!

: )

Brenda

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

I think when we really need a sign? We sometimes get one. You are NOT crazy.

[-R-]

I don't think you are crazy. I am so glad to hear you have friends you can talk to. That's so important - for everyone, not just people who talk to plants.

The phrase "a pity sway" cracked me up.

[a friend]

Okay….understand. I do not comment on blogs, I do not believe in ghosts, I do not get “sappy”. But I could not help but comment. I was ALWAYS a daddy’s girl. My father died 5 years ago on July 30th. For a week before and a week after this 5 year anniversary(I counted the days!!), I smelled smoke every time I was in the car or took a deep breath. You see, my daddy is the ONLY person I know that smokes. These places could in no way inhabit smoke b/c no one that smokes goes there. & I am not the only person it happened to. My mom went through it too. I believe (or maybe I just miss him so much) that this was a way to show me that he was still a part of my heart and life. Even though we weren’t physically together, we were spiritually. I have shared this with NO ONE b/c I thought it was my imagination. So know that you are not alone. {{hugs}}

[little miss mel]

Damn if that isn't FREAKY! I totally think it moved and I totally think you are NOT crazy. (Consumed with a lot of conflicting emotions, but definitely not crazy.)

Panic attacks are no picnic. So glad you had a girl you could count on when you needed her most.

I loved that movie btw. :)

[andrea]

Oh lady, I'd totally have talked you down had I been home. Emailing you my cell number STAT, that way you can always find me!

I still think your first motto is right, I've always believed as long as I am still able to question the crazy, I haven't fully gone down that road yet. Not to say that I am not a little crazy, just able to keep it in check still.

The plant thing is kind of freaking my shit out. But, I don't deal well with supernatural.

[a friend]

I read your blog every now and then but hadn't checked it for a couple of weeks. It sounds like you are having a rough time, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for your loss of Thalon and everything you are going through. If Thalon were still alive the only thing as important to him as you right now would be those big sisters of his, and you honor his life by doing everything you can to be in a place to give your girls the childhood and the mother they deserve. I know that is what you are working towards too, I just wanted to send my encouragement that you are worth it and your beautiful family is worth it.

[sizzle]

If it brings you any bit of peace, embrace it. The Universe sends us signs all the time but it's only when we're actually paying attention can we get the message.

You are not crazy, my friend. Just grieving. Which often feels like crazy.

[meg...CT]

Under the BEST circumstances, we all have mini breakdowns that require someone else to pick up the pieces. I would say you are more than entitled than the rest of us crack under the pressure every now and again...I am so glad you have a trusted friend to do that for you...that kind of friendships are worth their weight in gold!

[Trista]

At least it didn't speak. THAT would be crazy!

:)

Crazy or not, if it makes you feel even one iota better, go with it.

[Michele]

Oh we are all a little crazy... That is the one thing I know for sure (and maybe, in my case, I might be more than "a little" at times...)

[Amanda]

I think Brenda's on to something!
You are not crazy. I truly believe that the plant/Thalon was communicating with you. I had a few similar experiences after my FIL passed away.
I'm glad you had someone you could trust to talk you down from the "ledge." We're always here if you need anything. I'm just an email away (gotta love technology and getting emails on your phone!)

[Sara M.]

After going through what you've gone through and still are, there's no one that can say you're crazy. Maybe the plant was only meant to move for you at that specific time? Eventhough we don't know each other, you could call me anytime. I've been told I'm a great listener. Take care of yourself Shana, one step at a time.

[Rach]

What's wrong with crazy? I have OCD, so I obsess about EVERYTHING. Over and over and over and over again. One of the main tenets of OCD is to admit that whatever you are worrying about may happen. And then you sit there with the panic of realizing that, yes, someday, you really might be stuck in the basement with no means of escape while water floods in and drowns you. Yes, it could happen.

You may very well be crazy. I know I am, and I'm good with it. The other day I wondered if I was teetering on the edge, and realized I was. I went to the grocery store and ran up to a woman with little twins. I acted like I knew her and we started talking and soon my whole horrible story about Lucy's dead brother emerged. I couldn't keep it down. This woman just. wanted. to. get. away.

I walked back to the car thinking, "What the hell was THAT? I mean, I actually scared myself. It was so weird - talking to people who really don't want to talk to you and just smile and nod so you will go away. Isn't that the epitome of crazy? I was really glad no one I KNEW saw that exchange. I'm still afraid of being crazy...we're all afraid not to be the "norm"...not to have our shit together.

So, yeah, you could be crazy. It's OK though. My favorite people are crazy. I keep coming back and reading you because you aren't your typical, "Let's all go to the soccer game in the minivan while Mommy downs vodka but really pretends she just wants to shop at the Gap, OK, kids?"

You down the vodka and don't lie about it.

BEAUTIFUL.

[Rach]

What's wrong with crazy? I have OCD, so I obsess about EVERYTHING. Over and over and over and over again. One of the main tenets of OCD is to admit that whatever you are worrying about may happen. And then you sit there with the panic of realizing that, yes, someday, you really might be stuck in the basement with no means of escape while water floods in and drowns you. Yes, it could happen.

You may very well be crazy. I know I am, and I'm good with it. The other day I wondered if I was teetering on the edge, and realized I was. I went to the grocery store and ran up to a woman with little twins. I acted like I knew her and we started talking and soon my whole horrible story about Lucy's dead brother emerged. I couldn't keep it down. This woman just. wanted. to. get. away.

I walked back to the car thinking, "What the hell was THAT? I mean, I actually scared myself. It was so weird - talking to people who really don't want to talk to you and just smile and nod so you will go away. Isn't that the epitome of crazy? I was really glad no one I KNEW saw that exchange. I'm still afraid of being crazy...we're all afraid not to be the "norm"...not to have our shit together.

So, yeah, you could be crazy. It's OK though. My favorite people are crazy. I keep coming back and reading you because you aren't your typical, "Let's all go to the soccer game in the minivan while Mommy downs vodka but really pretends she just wants to shop at the Gap, OK, kids?"

You down the vodka and don't lie about it.

BEAUTIFUL.

[Christine]

You're awesome. Seriously. You are amazing and strong and Little Shop is one of my favorite movies. Carry on being you but don't be afraid to unload some of your burden when you need to.

[M]

I am thankful that you have Yvonne and Rio and that they were able to be there when you needed them. Those are good people!

You are not crazy. My DW doesn't believe in such things, but I don't think our souls just go away when we die (and I'm not a religious person AT ALL). I think people who've passed can communicate with us. I've had vivid, waking up crying dreams about my grandfather, who committed suicide when I was 2. No, I don't remember him at all but have always felt a strong bond with him. Can't explain it - it just is. Thalon is connected to you, still part of your family. I love the idea of using a plant to communicate - it's beautiful.

Hugs to you.

[Sarah]

Maybe it's in the air this week - I've been teetering on the edge myself with nothing like your reason to be teetering. And what those other ladies said - if it brings you comfort, if it worked for you on any level, if you believe it, then I believe it, and you were being given a sign, that was quite possibly meant only for you.

Around here crazy is the new "normal" and we just have to find ways to incorporate it into the flow. Never thought it would be like this, but it's redefined what "strong" is for me. Before it was never cracking, never having these moments where lucidity ebbs and flows, always at least being able to give the impression of possessing some absurd and misleading modicum of control. NOW... now we go with batshit crazy is just mommy being playful and playful mommy's are GOOD, right? So if the plants are talking to mommy, if the book she's reading tells her that her friends can read her mind and don't like her anymore since they read her mind (which she would of course never tell her children, because we love them and don't want them to worry!) or if destroying the odd dining room chair makes us all feel better? Then strength is still feeding the kids when they're hungry, it's being there when they wake up, it's calling your friend and admitting you need someone to throw you a rope, it's choosing to believe the future does hold things we want to be here for even if we can't imagine what those things are....

Probably said too much! But whatever. Like I said, I have nothing like your excuse for the teetering. I just respect you all the more for writing about it and fighting through it for your girls and your man and Thalon.

[layla]

mannnnnnnnnnnn
sister-
now that my friend
is a GOOD story.

[Kristen Guthrie]

I jut started reading your blog, and I love it. Sorry for your loss. I bet you've heard that a thousand times. I'm not very original. Anyway, you aren't going crazy and you make me laugh out loud because I relate to you!

[Lindsey]

The plant was definitely moving. I don't know you or the plant, but I KNOW it was moving. Talk to the plant if you want. Who's it going to hurt? The plant? The plant started the conversation! You're not crazy, I promise.

[Heather]

i have my own motto, "everyone is crazy in their own special way" and i believe it with alll my heart.

oddly as i read your post today two songs came on from spring awakening http://www.springawakening.com/spring_awakening_music_and_video.php, the bitch of living and totally fucked.

i love the music from that show.

[GingerB]

Honey, you are no crazier than you were last year or the year before, or before that, you are just in the throes of enormous stress and grief. Not nuts, not at all. Go with what works for you and hang on. We love you.

[Dianne]

There's no reason I plant can't communicate with you. Maybe I'm crazy too! ;)

[Dianne]

"a plant" even! Proofreading would be great for me!

[Kristabella]

I'm glad you have people you can call! I should give you my number, because we've never met so that wouldn't be awkward at all! But I'm a good listener!

I don't think you're crazy. And if the plant swayed, I believe it swayed and maybe it was someone telling you something. My grandpa came to me in a dream after he passed away to say "tell her I'm OK" because my grandma was concerned he suffered before he died. And I know he did that because I know that my gram would believe me when I told her that.

Either that or we're both crazy. At least we have the company of each other!

[Davezwife (Another Apron with Gin in the Pocket)]

I saw it move.

[Debbie S.]

One day I was missing my Daddy so bad...I went out to go to the store and this butterfly came fluttering by, staying right around my head and shoulders. I got in the car and the butterfly stayed right by my window. When I started the car the radio was playing "Daddy's Hands" by Holly Dunn. This was a song we had played at my Daddy's funeral. (Of course I cry everytime I hear it). Well, I went on to the store, came back and was getting groceries out when all of a sudden the butterfly was right there, flying around my head. I put the groceries down and started talking to it. I knew it was my Daddy giving me a sign that he was o.k. I truly believe our loved ones come back to us in different ways, whether it be butterflies or peace lilies waving at us! You are in my Prayers. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your lovely family.
~Debbie~

[Karen Ladley]

Maybe God is telling you there is some new life coming to the family? Knew you were trying...just a thought. Perhaps the lily growth was a message but you didn't see it until it waved it's arms at you! Yo...over here! God bless all of you!

[Monica]

On the 5th anniversary of my baby's death, I was in my bedroom crying and I just wanted to know she was okay. All of the sudden the lampshade next to bed started moving back and forth. I stopped crying and stared at it. I then reached out and stopped it. As soon as I drew my hand away it started again. So I talked to it. I asked if she was okay and told her I loved her. When I was done the lamp stopped moving. I felt so much better! It has never done that again I believe it was a sign to me that she was okay. I have gotten a lot of comfort from that lampshade.
Thinking of you, hoping you feel better too!

[H]

I'm so glad you had someone to call and more importantly, that you DID call. I think anything is possible - keep your mind open and call your friends again when you feel like you should.

[Ashley hast]

Crazy? Sucka....I *invented* crazy. In fact, I'm certain if you look up the root of the word crazy, it comes from Latin...and it mentions something about my name.

And I think your plant moved. And I think it was just for you to see. But that's just my crazy thoughts. :)

[eden]

Oh mate. You can call me ... and because of the time difference, it would be in the middle of the day here. Perfect!

I had a big rant at a meeting the other day ... I am quite off-kilter right now ... and get so sick of everybody pretending they are all normal and ok every frickin' day. It's fake - and bullshit. My best mates are the craziest. They are honest and true and real and fucked up.

Thank God for us Crazies. Thinking of you Shana.

XOXOXOXXOOX

[Julia]

HEllo? Do you think perhaps that was a God moment? Seeing that moving plant made you realize there is life around you than needs to go on and be tended to? I believe you just got thumped on the head.

You are not crazy. I believe you were just visited in the lowest you have ever been in your life. Sadness can be a very clear state of mind...in that we see things differently than if we were just going about our daily routine of this rat race of life.

I cannot imagine your pain and sadness. And I would probably take years to grieve....but seeing it from the outside, I want you to get okay...sooner rather than later....for those 2 girls. There is LIFE in that house and it needs to go on.

[Jen]

I don't think you are crazy. I do think that people send us signs when they have passed. I think that plant was Thalon's way of telling you he was ok, Mama Bear. And I am so happy that you have people you can talk to. Hell, I am glad you have a plant to talk to, too.

[m]

if it was the fan, you totally would've seen it sway before. bottom line.

[Laura]

No more crazy than the rest of us sister.

[esther]

I had a moment when I had been up all night, every night for 6 months with my daughter and her reflux. I felt like such a failure, such a hopeless, helpless mother. I was truly ready to give up - in the most final and literal sense of the word. I was lying in desperation thinking of my beautiful, fragile child and the fact that she would go through her life without me; resigned to it, at peace with it but sad. All of a sudden the room filled with the smell of my grandmother's perfume (she had dies a year before) and I was filled with a sense of calm and hope. I know that she was with me, pushing me forward. Maybe I was in a state of sleep deprived psychosis or maybe, just maybe, the woman I loved most in the world had come to comfort me and urge me on. She is the reason I got through those following months and the reason I am here at all. There is no such thing as coincidence.

[Debbie in Memphis]

We love you. You're not crazy. Sending prayers and hugs.

[TUWABVB]

If having inanimate objects that are sending signals means your crazy, well then - sign me up.

I'm glad you are reaching out to others when you need help -although that's surely a sign that you are NOT crazy.

[Lindsey]

yeah for swaying plants when you need them.

[180]

I just got back and wish I could've been there to answer your call. :( I promise I will call soon. Love you! xxx