metronome

I physically feel and hear a far-away strained ticking everywhere I turn. A ticking that is reminiscent of the "The Tell-Tale Heart" though in reality, I'm not guilty of anything nor have I hidden body parts or lies underneath my scarred laminate flooring to signify guilt. I take my medication as to not overwhelm my body, heart or mind. Let us forget the soul as it's very depressed and there is nothing that can heal the huge tear but only a silly insipid caricature of a band-aid that strains in holding itself together. The sticky goo is about to separate and leave remnants of scum that takes weeks and months to rid. Only to remind oneself, there was once a wound that never completely healed itself. A huge keloid of an ugly scar that remains in place of the vast and traumatic tragic cut.

Still, my heart races and tromps with panic when my husband is late from a work function because I have an overwhelming fear of being left alone. Fear of another death coming my way. Alone to deal with our destiny by myself. Uncertainty has taken over my mind. I've lost my confidence and rational thought to what could happen, what could be and what is.

I took my youngest child to the doctor today. Afraid she had the Swine Flu, afraid she had pneumonia, afraid she was having another undiagnosed asthma attack such as the one she had the week Thalon died. Afraid, I was going to lose yet, another child in my care. Basically, afraid of circumstances beyond my control. My life IS out of control. Isn't all of ours, yet I'm honest enough to shout it out for everyone to hear! Thankfully, my Pediatrician is patient and kind and examined my daughter quickly. She tried to appease my panicked soul to say she has a virus. Sadly, the placation didn't appease me as I was so seemingly appeased the day before Thalon died. Why? Thalon had both an infection and a virus when he died yet, I've been crucified both on page and ill thought for my actions. or made up state of mind. Circumstances beyond my control. Control that I have fought tooth and nail for my whole life.

When I was in Junior High, I used to sit in the front of the class in Math. I always thought people were talking about me and my plain non-substantial clothing. My non-fashionable, labeled self. I just KNEW people thought ill of me when I did nothing to bring this thought upon myself. During the middle of a complex equation, I would zone out and talk myself down from the ledge to remind myself, I was really a nobody. Why would anyone spend the time and energy to talk about me because I wasn't wearing a brand-name Polo or an awesome set of shiny Kappa's on my awkward platforms. But still, there was always a shadow of doubt about myself and my confidence. I always felt less than.

As I grew older, went to College and took on relationships with older friends of whom appreciated me for being me - I grew a set of balls. Unlike my maiden moniker. Once, I was full of confidence as a Mother, Wife and Caregiver and hell, I was a damn good debater. Full to take on anyone and everyone. Now? I'm not - about anything. I'm doubtful and feel the temporary stance of myself in this world. I know things vanish as quickly as they arrive. I've always proclaimed myself to be a cautiously optimist that bordered on pessimism. When things worked my way? I would be pleasantly surprised, not heart-broken.

Now? I'm heart-broken, looking for optimism in it's most minuscule form.

Comments

[Suze]

Damn it, life can just plain suck at times.

[layla]

i have missed you and have taffy in tow.

[m]

dude, from your writing alone, it is evident that you are a survivor. even if the worst happened to you, i firmly believe you would persevere. and the odds of the worst happening- they're low. so in the same way that you thought "why would anyone bother talking shit on ME" in math class, what are the odds (statistically) that you would be struck by more than one senseless tragedy in such a short time period? admittedly, this takes a bit of optimism. and you're right- we're all out of control of our lives. shit, man.

[Haitian American Family of Three]

Oh---
I've had some very horrific things happen to me in my life and now along with old fashioned PTSD I have, like you, DISASTER BRAIN. Where every moment your loved one is late coming home they were stuck by lighting, hit by a car and also choked at the same time. The worrying...sucks. I hope you find a way to quiet that part of your brain, and when you do, tell me how.

[SHauna]

I am so sorry....you have every reason to feel anxious about your family. I hope time brings more peace. Living in a constantly anxious state must be terribly exhausting both mentally and physically. I totally admire the strength you portray by writing the truth (good, bad and ugly) about a family trying to get through such a devastating loss.

[sassy]

I love reading your words. Honestly, I think you're on such a raw, real path.

[eden]

He is so beautiful and perfect, sitting up there in your header with your beautiful daughters. I don't understand.

My life is out of control. Waaaay out of control lately .. all I can do is my best. Sometimes not. Sometimes my lame-arse attempts are better than nothing, right?

You are fucking magnificent. I wish I could go back in time and sit next to you in maths.

XO

[Wendy]

Life is really shitty sometimes. I'm sending you light through the universe...

[Cynnie]

oh lord jesus , my heart BREAKS over the girl i was..
In 8th grade I was voted most likely to wear a dog collar ( and there was no oh Cynnie's a freak sort of wink wink nudge nudge )
It was cause i have crazy unruly red hair and I was considered ooogly ..

and I look back at that girl and I was not ugly!!
NOT AT ALL..

being young sucks ass..

Everything in life is really a crap shoot little missy ,
i was the shittiest parent ever..
EVER and yet they survived.
It was pure luck

( not trying to trivialize your grief ...but let me trivialize it real quick .)

you ever see those trailer park hoochies with 10 kids ?
and they always are skinny and dont have a stretch mark to their name..
I have 3 kids and after the first one I had stretch marks in places i never knew could even stretch..so the other pregnancies didnt really matter cause I didnt have room for new stretch marks
oh, and i had /have a huge lard ass.

Life is just so fucking unfair

[Karla]

I lost my daughter in 2005 and I can so relate to how your feeling. It took me years to admit that it wasn't normal to fear my husband was dead every time he is late, and yet, that is the first thing I think of. It got the point where my panic attacks ended up in me being completely paralyzed from head to toe face. My husband had to call 9-1-1 because he thought I had a stroke.

God, just a few months ago I took my son to the doctors for fear of Swine Flu, too, and he had pneumonia (again) and his asthma was flaring up.

I just wanted to thank you, for your honesty, for sharing, for giving validation. Your words resonate deeply. You continue to be in my thoughts. xo

[MelissaS]

I understand. After my girls were in the car accident, every time they went somewhere I worried about if they would come back, if something would happen, if they knew I loved them. It's gotten better in the last year. It doesn't happen every time, but it does happen and it sneaks up on me. I wish I could be there to sit and have a drink (ok more than one)! Take care.

[Haley-O]

I hate the no-control thing. It's torturous. It's unfair. It's life, I guess, alas.((HUGS))

[Rachael]

I found your site through Kristi's site. I have been following for a while. I can identify with your loss. I, too, have lost a child...not to SIDS but another crappy syndrome....lost her at 14 months. I am trying to find another word than "like" to describe how I feel about reading your blog, but I am finding it hard. I don't want you to think I enjoy reading about your heartache. What I like, is how you put it into words. I am not as well-written as you and can't express how I feel as well as you do. I do like reading your blog because it makes me feel not alone. I know the feeling you have feels like you are being smothered and that it is an ebbing and flowing feeling. Truly, nothing you could summarize easily, huh?...so many facets to it.

Don't get me wrong I am not a preachy, religious person, but I have to say this. Take your brokeness to HIM...lay it down for him. I always took comfort in the fact that He cried with me when my daughter died. I believe it hurt God worse that she died because His love is perfect and she was His creation. It's just that she was His creation born into an imperfect world. I don't believe he willed any of it to happen to teach anybody anything, or impact the world, or any of that crap. I think it just happened and it sucked and he swept in and added Grace to the mix. I am a better person in some ways for it, but I certainly don't think he did that TO her to make me a better person. Just my opinion.

I recently read The Shack which validated a lot of what I had already thought. But something in particular about your post struck me...the out of control feeling you are having. I know that well. There is a section in the book that talks about that. It talks about life being fractal. It talks about part of the beauty of life being ever changing, moving, fractal. It talks about our need to control it and how trying to control it will make us feel miserable. We won't ever be able to....EVER. Can't control it. Only when we lay down control and lean into the beauty of the ever changing will we be truly "IN" control. I don't know, it probably doesn't make sense what I am saying. If you haven't read the book, you should. I have heard differing opinions about the book...strikes people different. It might offer you some clarity and calm in your heart.

All of that to say, thank you for being so candid...I am sorry for your loss. I just want you to know that I have found a bit of healing through reading your feelings. Inserted Grace, I guess.

Rachael