space/time continuum

WOW! I did not know there were so many sick folks out there like me who have or may not have an obsession with Big Brother (and I like it)!  Let's just say for the record, Jeff better motherfucking win this stupid game or I'm boycotting this show. Until next year....

He has the right amount of "guns" combined with a beautiful mixture of self-deprecation folded into the batter, if you know what I mean. I'll gladly forgive him and his inability to read "Coup D'Etat" correctly. Give the eye-candy a break, okay?

***************************************************************************************

Hey, you! Anonymous! Obviously you never read my disclaimer with regards to my subjective use of grammar and the inability to know how to punctuate. By the way? I used it correctly in my last post. You must have been high as a kite on your high-horse to try to call me out on the title. Because if you were a fan of Big Brother you would know, the phrase is "IT IS TECHNOTRONIC!" OR IT'S is MOTHERFUCKING correct! It's all semantics, baby. It's all semantics.

Man, I don't take criticism very well, do I? Carry on to obsess with my drinking and cursing habits instead, shall we? I can take these criticisms way better. (and yes, I know this sentence structure is crappy at best.)

***************************************************************************************

I went to a concert Saturday evening in which sadly, there were very few in attendance. "The English Beat"  minus most of it's members but including Dave, performed all my favorites while I jumped/Ska'd around like a dumb-assed fool. By the third to the last song, I realized that my 40-year-old ass should slow the hell down as I was about to have an asthma attack and my body was going into operation overload from all the "exercise" it was not used to performing. By the time I made it home, I felt a full-on flu coming on. You know, body chills, bone-numbing pain flared it's ugly head. I realized at 1:30am, I am no longer a twenty-year-old and should chill the hell out.

Onto positive news? I wasn't the oldest person in attendance. Go team Gorillabuns! "I know you still have a little life left in you yet!" (Name the song and artist in the last phrase and I'll send you a box of "Bloopers" chocolates from Russell Stover if I haven't consumed them before the final answer is given otherwise, I'll have to figure out a special prize in your honor.

Anyway, my mother happened to babysit our children this particular evening when I sprung on her that Rich was going in one direction and I was going onto another. I think she was slightly pissed she wasn't going to the concert with me as SHE was the one who introduced "The English Beat" to me and my burgeoning music obsessed-self starting in the 80's and before.

But what about the children? They can't watch themselves? I selfishly thought to myself, because, yes, I'm selfish. and well, depressed. very depressed.

I then realized with cold, hard reality settling in,when I took my mother to see the Nine Inch Nails/Marilyn Manson/Jim Rose Circus Show concert for her birthday, she was 44 - NOT that I'm 44 but I NOW know how my mother felt. Not that I thought she was old at the time but hell, I was 24 at the time. My mother was the one shouting out the lyrics to "bow down to the one you serve" while thinking we might be going to hell watching Brian screaming and shouting out to the devil while marveling at the strength of someone's nipples holding bar-bells while screaming at a fool for lying on a bed of nails.

"Shana, I'm no Karen Carpenter, John Denver, ELO, 70's bullshit music loving fool! You know we only listened to Rufus/Chaka Khan, Brother's Johnson and PBS Classical music. I've never been like your friend's parents nor will I ever be.....I appreciate current music for what it is! not what is was!"

This is probably why, my mother has not found someone like her to mate for the rest of her life. The men her age like bullshit music, 20-year-old women and don't know shit about literature. I do believe my mother was born waaay before her time.

But really, in reality, my mother is way cooler than I and knows more about new and current music than I do. Sometimes, I do believe my mother and I are living a "Freaky Friday"  existence. I'm the 'ol fuddy-duddy and she's the hip one living in a surreal existence while working a boring and mundane job. Man, life's a bitch, isn't it?

***************************************************************************************

Now onto matters that I KNOW I don't excel in like math. Today, while trying to compute the tip from lunch with the family, I had to use my fingers like a Kindergartner on their first day of school to figure out what 7 + 6 equaled. Yes, I'm quite dumb in the mathematical department. Never claimed to be anything more. Ask my mother about flash cards in my youth and how I still suck my thumb while curled in the corner when confronted with "what is 4 X 9! We just went over this equation, damn-it!"

***************************************************************************************

To further my example of mathematical ineptitude? Celia needed 24 #2 pencils in which a full and complete packet was not available. My mind happened to go numb with both fear and over-stimulation at Target while trying to figure out how many pencils divided into the number 8.

I do believe my pre-schooler figured out the equation before me, even though she was not in our presence.

Have I mentioned I went to Graduate School? Maybe I shouldn't really tout this fact.....

***************************************************************************************

As mentioned on Twitter this evening, I haven't balanced our household checkbook since Thalon died. That would be four months if you were actually trying to calculate the time with your hands using your opposable thumbs. Strangely enough, I haven't bounced any checks post-Thalon's death as I did BEFORE he died.

I guess I'm better with numbers than I thought I was.

***************************************************************************************

On a somber note, as I am wont to do: Yesterday happened to be the anniversary of my Grandfather's death. 11 years ago to be exact. Bruce was his name and I love/loved him something fierce. He was more like my father than my Grandfather or my actual crappy-ass father.

Yesterday also happened to be four months since Thalon Bruce died. The similarities in the two are quite odd and well, quite heartbreaking.

Also, it's official. Thalon has been out of our lives longer than he was in "ours" in the first place. The days seem to be fleeting to say the very least. Like a tragic ghost silently roaming the hallways - trying to catch a glimmer of life for the sake of former loved ones.

So, yea, I'm feeling quite happy and bubbly inside lately.....so, don't take it personally if I haven't returned your phone calls or emails or totally rolled an important party as I have lost all track of space and time. and reality.

Comments

[Michele]

I got such a kick of thinking of you at the concert and then of your Mom singing NIN. What an image!

Remembering your Grandpa today... And, Thalon, as always...

[Christine]

So funny you and your mother at a NIN/Marilyn Manson concert.

Thinking of you and your family.

[Candice at Wolfs on Safari]

Kate Bush- This Woman's Work. Chocolate for me??

[Brenda]

Kate Bush, This Woman's Work....

Wow, it's only 8:02 in the morning and I'm barking like a dog for a hint of chocolate. Looks like my 44yr old ass beats your 40 year old ass!!!

:)

Brenda

[Candice at Wolfs on Safari]

After I feverishly posted my comment to win the chocolate, I read the rest of your post. Still thinking of Thalon and parying for your family. Hugs.

[Michelle]

Umm I'm embarressed to say I didn't realize Maxwell's version of "This Womans Work" was a remake. Off to I-tunes I go....

[a]

The English Beat - wow, that takes me back!

Now, I have a picture of Thalon hanging out with your grandfather...that's not a bad image to hold on to. I bet they're chuckling about your contractions troll and math issues.

[3carnations]

I find the idea of anyone's mom singing along with Nine Inch Nails at a concert amusing...Maybe because I'm 35 and I felt like I had become too old for them around 25.

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

Daily therapy (not to mention exercise): Blare some excellent Ska and bounce around with the girls! I'm not sure they are ready for Jim Rose, though.

[Lisa]

I was wondering how you chose the name Thalon. What does it mean? It's very unusual and beautiful.
I continue to marvel that you and your family are managing to go on as best you can after such a loss. Your comment about your son being gone longer than you had him with you brought to mind a biography I read a few years ago about the Lindbergh family, whose first born son was kidnapped and murdered. In her journals, the mother, Anne, wrote that each anniversary of her son's death "was like the closing of a door, taking us further away from what we most wanted to hold on to." It must be so hard every day for you and all the families out there dealing with the loss of a child.
Thank you for sharing with all of us your story and pain. It's a privilege to witness such grace and courage, and to be able to "walk" with you, even if only in prayer.

[Alison]

We saw the English Beat (or, as you said, Dave Wakeling + band) in June, and they were great. My daughter just flew back to France yesterday wearing the t-shirt I bought at the show. :)

[punchlinewalking]

And now we know where you get your bad ass attitude from- Grandma Gorillabuns (you know I say bad ass to mean fucking awesome, right?)! Sending my love your way.

[Yo Mama]

Hey sugar, thanks for the shout out! At least you didn't have to accompany me to the Barry Manilow concert - Trent Reznor still rules!!!! Jim Rose Circus was pretty freaky!! At some point, maybe I'll be like Georgia O'Keefe, she was ancient, and had some young art student taking care of her "business".

[Mand]

I should be crying but I just can't let it show. I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking Of all the things I should've said that I never said, all the things we should've done that we never did All the things I should've given but I didn't...

As soon as I read your line I had a flash to "She's Having A Baby" and remembered the fierce school girl crush I had on Kevin Bacon. This Woman's Work, Kate Bush.

[Shelly]

My 3rd grader needs 32 #2 pencils and my 7th grader list called for 48 (really??) freakin' pencils. You know what they do with a gazillion pencils don't you? They put them in the "pot" and all the kids get a new pencil when they need one. I don't have a problem with that but I don't think that any one classroom needs 608 pencils on the FIRST day of schooo. Phew - I feel better. :o) Love your blog and never stop thinking of you and your family.

[Ashley]

Marlilyn Manson is in town @ the OKC Zoo Amphitheater this Sunday if you and your mom are in to him still. Supposed to be a great show, he still freaks me out though.

[Janet]

I hope Jeff uses the "Wizard" to keep Russell and Chima in in that house together for longer! I love the drama those two cause!

I think Jeff should totally put up Natalie and Jessie. I don't know how much more of Natalie I can take!!

[Sarah]

this woman's work, kate bush - but maxwell did a remake ( I am a HUGE so you think you can dance fan!)
I'll pick up my chocolate myself at the grocery store today, thanks for the excuse!!
I often feel that way at ani difranco concerts lately- why am i the only one who dances at them? how can anyone just sit and listen to her? an usher actually told me to sit down at once. ugg!!!

[AmazingGreis]

I am absolutely addicted to Big Brother. I L.O.V.E. Jeff and if he knows what's good for him he better use the damn POWER. It's his chance to change the game, for realz!!!!

Hope all is well with you, can't wait to hear your take on Thursday's LIVE show.

[sizzle]

I still sometimes do math using my fingers. Oddly enough? Brain Age on my DSi has actually helped me get better at math. I shit you not!

I like to think that Thalon and your grandpa are having a good time together, watching over you. If something good has to come out of this horrible tragedy it better be that two men you loved so much are together somewhere keeping an eye on you.

[a madhouse wife]

I still practice the "touch math" method I learned in 1st grade. They never should have taught us that.

Still thinking of you guys all the time. Prayers and hugs.

[Kara]

Dude, math just plain sucks. A lot. I have nightmares about being in CALCULUS again...CALCULUS...a class in which I never belonged in but made it to anyway somehow.

I second the thought that Thalon hanging out with your Grandfather is an awesome mental image. All the best to you and your family - and remember that YOU are the one going through this, therefore YOUR emotions and feelings are the ones that matter and you should never apologize for a lack of rainbows and sunshine shooting out your ass.

[Sue @ Laundry for Six]

Doesn't that seem like a LOT of pencils? I totally rely on my kids to figure out simple math problems for me now. They owe me because of their GINORMOUS heads.

Four months. I'm sure the last 4 months feels like an eternity, but the 4 months before that passed in the blink of an eye. Sucks. Thinking of you.

[harrytimes]

Love Big Brother, and I love that it is on 3 times a week because I have a serious problem delaying gratification of any kind. I also like Jeff and Jordan a ton, but my real soft spot is for Jesse. I mean, who says things like "I have a 48-inch back" in normal conversation? LOVE it.

I am so, so sorry for your loss, and if it makes you feel any better at all (and even if it doesn't), this random internet stranger thinks your are doing a beautiful job

[Rach]

you're awesome. How do you still manage to be funny when you're depressed?

[Summer]

First, let me just say that everytime you write about Thalon my heart races a little bit. He was such a beautiful baby and his leaving is just so friggen shitty. I actually think about you quite a bit.

I also just wanted to suggest going to the doctor if you're feeling flu-ey. This isn't flu season and the only "flu" bug going around right now is swine flu. My next door neighbor and her twin girls got it, scared the crap out of me but they all made it through just fine. I'm just sayin.

I love your blog, I really do. No need to placate any bullshit which I really appreciate. I've got you on my blog roll.

Rest up!

[Aunt Becky]

I just heart you.

[Kristabella]

Jeff better use the "wizard" power. I think he wants to put up Jessie and Natalie. That would be AWESOME!

[Sarah]

Kate Bush - Woman's Work. Guess I should have read through to see if anyone else got it before enthusiastically typing that. Oh well - it's been one of my favorite songs for forever. High school, at least. Your mom's cool. :) Not to say that you aren't, of course. I still count on my fingers. What a heartbreaking anniversary, that Thalon has been gone longer than he was here. Your sense of humor is amazing, by the way. I don't get coming to someone else's blog, and then criticizing (I totally screwed that word, didn't I) how they write. If you don't like it, don't read it. How difficult is that?

[Sarah]

And furthermore -- I don't know what I love more, your mom going off at the NIN concert or my daughter singing "bow down before the one you serve, you're going to get what you deserve" in line at the grocery store. In the sweetest little sing-song voice. When she was three. To the shock and confusion of the little old lady behind me. At which juncture I realized it was time to start thinking about which lyrics I let roll in her presence, as she was clearly paying attention. Coulda been "Closer", though, yeah? Bwaha!

[Haitian American Family of Three]

Math is my enemy. There is a little trick with nine times anything-the numbers will always equal nine...like,
9 times 2 = 18, 1 + 8 = 9 or 9 times 8 = 72, 7 + 2 = 9. Is that totally confusing??! Sorry, it helps me sometimes.
I totally did not get any of the music references.

[stacey]

I see I'm way too late to answer your quiz questions, but what's really weird is I just finished listening to a Kate Bush album about 5 minutes ago.
I agree that Jeff better win BB - I love his Chicago accent - it's even stronger midwest than my Michigan accent.
Thinking about you and Thalon and your grandpa. You're doing the best you can and it seems pretty damn good to me.

[ali]

this should make you feel better. I have never balanced a checkbook. ever.

[H]

I want Jeff to win and I can't wait to see if he uses his magical power.

[Suze]

BIG BROTHER - the show I swear I will not watch every year and every year, I watch. I do like Jeff and hope he wins. I hope he puts up Jesse and Natalie's ass on the block so I can see Jesse well up with tears again. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch my recorded After Dark from last night.

[laura]

god your mom sounds awesome like my mom and this post made me miss my mom even more, been 6 years but god how some things take you back. hugs, love and peace always being sent your way. oh and i was informed to by a "regular " sized backpack for a PRESCHOOLER who will be attending 2.5 hours daily! really ! i was going to buy a smaller one that would fit her frame but guess im the crazy one :)

[J from Ireland]

Firstly, thank you so much for emailing me, I'm honoured.
I'm so sorry that its 4 months now you have been without your beautiful son. I don't know what to say.
Your mother sounds cool, we were tortured with John Denver as kids.
My husband was way into ska as a teenager and still has a dance if it ever comes on when we are at weddings or functions and he is drunk enough.
You quoted one of my favourite songs, A Womans Work by Kate Bush, it always reduces me to tears.
I will send a prayer up to your Grandfather in his rememberance.
Best wishes.

[Gina]

I love Big Brother! And I'm with you, I hope Jeff wins it all. I hope he takes the power and flips that house upside down tomorrow night. Jesse vs. Natalie! That would be killer.

Also....who the heck would correct you on your grammar on YOUR blog? Do people have nothing better to do with their time then to run a grammar check? Get a life whoever you are!

Lastly I'm glad you are holding up....even if you aren't a bundle of joy. Who says you have to be anyway!

[Whiskeymarie]

I once totally freaked out on someone who criticized my grammar on my blog. I'm sure I sounded like a crazy, overreacting bitch, but even now all I can think is, "really?"

Like, REALLY? All you got out of reading my post was that I can't always spell/punctuate/put together real sentences? Sheesh- SOMEONE needs a life, and it ain't me.

And I avoid shows like Big Brother like the plague. Not because I think I'm too good for them or anything, I just know that, much like crack, once I start I won't be able to stop.

[Heather]

Kate Bush.....This woman's work! Don't worry - Thalon will ALWAYS be with you. He might not physically be here but he most certainly IS with you in spirit. Keep the fighting spirit alive and Thalon will be known by everyone. You go girl!

[justJENN]

Kate Bush. This Woman's Work. One of my favorites. No chocolate though, thanks.

[Noelle]

This Woman's Work by Kate Bush, unless you mean the Maxwell remake, which I'm pretty sure you don't.

Thinking of you daily, and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

I know you have a lot of strength left.

Hugs.

[Amanda]

You're mom fucking rocks.
I still continually use my fingers (and I'm the one in charge of all the finances here at work!)
My heart still aches for you and I instantly started crying when I realized he has no officially been away from you longer than he was physically with you. He'll always be a part of you and we will never forget him.
Oh, and fuck Anonymous. If their too much of a pussy to type in their name, they don't have any right to be rude!

[Jen]

Uum, I still count on my fingers to do addition. You are doing just great. Also, I don't have kids, but I don't understand why Celia needs 24 pencils for the 1st day of school???? That shit is bananas! Also, what is bananas is that people will come on this website and criticize grammer/spelling mistakes. It's almost like they have no lives, or something.

[Heather]

your mom sounds awesome!

[Heather]

i swera i didn't read the comment above mine - you must just both be awesome!

[Debbie in Memphis]

Laughter, smiles and tears all in one post - you are an AMAZING woman!! Sending love, prayers and warm thoughts your way. I hope that's not as creepy as it sounds 8^)

[TUWABVB]

Well, I'm commenting too late to get chocolate, but I want extra credit because I can name the soundtrack that it was on (She's Having a Baby - great soundtrack by the way, I still have it on my iPod).

And by the way, I LOVED The English Beat in college - I can't even remember which song I liked, but I recognize the name of the group - and clearly this is one of the top three signs of getting old, right?

Hugs to you on such a tough anniversary - I know they are both looking down on you and your family.

[VDog]

Sending you love and hugs and lots of guilty pleasure via Big Brother (also a sick fan!).

Take care of yourself as best you can and the rest will follow.

[Billie]

You are wonderful, just plain wonderful. I am amazed at how you are handling everything in your life. Just TRASH the negative comments, you are doing just fine.