I'm all depressed and sad, Britney, was booted from Big Brother this past week. Like huge crocodile tears in front of the T.V. sadness! My children are sad as well because, "Brit" is the pretty one.
Yes, we are quite a shallow household.
Now, I want Lane to win due to his Lubbock affiliation. Don't you dare diss this hell-hole since I was born there.... Only I CAN!
Screw "The Meow-Meow!" I could out perform him in every competition and POV and that's not saying much. at. all.
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It seems quite a few people are apologizing to me lately for things said when I was supposed to be paying attention. Yes, even when I'm looking at them odds are, when you speak to me? You are "talking" to me. I usually have the, I've gotta stare intently into their eyes so they think I'm listening when I'm actually off in never-never land. "What I'm going to have for lunch? How am I going to perform the 15 errands needed to be completed in 1.5 hours? Did I close the garage door before I left? Did I pack a lunch for the other kid this morning? Did I brush my teeth this morning? Shit, did I forget my purse? What is my bank balance? Who's birthday is it today? and have I talked to them this past year? I really need to take my camera to my dentist to be reset. When was the last time I took my Prozac? Where the fuck is my Zanax?"
You think I joke about my internal dialog? You don't know me very well.
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Every toss and turn I have people I need to apologize to for not returning their calls, texts, emails, and massive chart-stopping smoke signals. Dude, I'm so over extended I don't have time to tell them so. I find myself jealous of people who don't work....when.I.don't.work.per.se?
Between volunteering, working in the church office, my mother's office, my husband's office, calligraphy, other writing gigs, shuttling children, shit-load of homework while trying to fit in my Big Brother schedule, mama is too tired. Dudes, I haven't even had a cocktail all week!
This should tell you, I'm so fucked. More ways than one.
So, Mea Culpa! MEA CULPA! It's not you, it's me. I promise to one day listen to your message, learn morse code to communicate with you again. Right now, I'm one erratic heart beat away from a total freak-out on whomever passes by me. Just ask the school's office. I think I've cried in their presence twice this week from shear exhaustion and fucked-up hormones.
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One might be proud of me or not but I apologized to my sister-in-law this past week. Why? For the family. Even if in my own twisted mind I had nothing to apologize for..... I'm tired of feeling like I'm the big 'ol bitch of the family. Tired of silently not speaking my mind about our sadness and grief. Finally stating our feelings and emotions though we have never been directly acknowledged and questioned from this portion of this family. While standing on a porch, I cried, big, fat, ugly, humiliating tears, trying to explain away my pain, selfishness and sadness. Sadness, our child wasn't there to play with his three-week-apart cousin. Why I can't see her child because of the memories and future we should been sharing. Again, because I'm selfish and it's all about us.
I hope it was received the way it was meant (in kind) but you can't blame me for trying. Mainly, I'm so very tired of being tired and angry.
I figured this was the first step in trying to fix things around this mess. Who knows if it helped. I'm tired of caring about it all.
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Now, excuse me while I try to do 150 invitations by Monday, 25 place cards by Monday, 121 Wedding invitations by Wednesday, work, pleasure my husband, feed my children, October-fest (dare I say I don't have time to drink?), shit, shower and shave?
I guess the last three are totally overrated.
Admit it. Is is us, not you. Right?
Posted by: Neil | 09 September 2010 at 11:47 PM
I didn't "know" you before everything that happened with Thalon, but I think maybe you've always been a busy person doing so much.
Then, the grief of him hits....and it waylays everything in your life, the ripple effect is far from gone. The people that matter will be there when you can come up for breath. Sometimes, it's all that you can do to take each moment as it comes, each hour, and each day. So, be patient with yourself as much as you can.
Peace to you, and so sorry about Brit :-)
Tara
Posted by: Tara | 10 September 2010 at 07:23 AM
I don't even pretend I'm listening to people any more, and yet they still look at me expectantly, like I'm supposed to be following the conversation and answering a question. I can't be fucking bothered with your inanities anymore. I gotta say, though, I miss my big, ostentatious headphones...earbuds are just not noticeable enough.
Sounds like you're taking one for the team in the SIL department. If she doesn't understand where you're coming from, then she is clearly an idiot. I know that I would be absolutely devastated if I lost my child, and I also know that I don't know the half of it.
Good luck catching up on your lack of work...hope you can take a break soon. Do you suppose this is a coping mechanism?
Posted by: a | 10 September 2010 at 07:58 AM
You're "selfish" because it's hard for you to be around a boy three weeks older/younger than Thalon? Seriously, that's fucked up.
Posted by: Tracy | 10 September 2010 at 08:28 AM
OMG I am so beyond Pissed about Brittany leaving, she is my favorite! My husband likes Laine in the manly wanna hang at the bar with that dude way. I guess I can root for Laine to win. Really as long as "the Meow Meow" doesn't win I will be satisfied. This show consumes too much of my life!
Posted by: Nicole | 10 September 2010 at 08:50 AM
I'm one nut short of a full blown cocktail party over on this end. I did manage to throw the ice cream maker bowl into the freezer this morning. Hopefully it'll be ready for tonight's coconut margarita festival. If you were closer, you should so come over! They are seriously the bomb. Take it easy on yourself. To hell with the pressures (assumed or real) from everyone else. This is your life. You do whatever it takes to survive it. Everyone else will just have to deal.
Posted by: KK | 10 September 2010 at 09:12 AM
Too tired to form actual sentences or thoughts, but wanted to give you some stupid Internet brackets. {{{}}} Take care of yourself, lady.
Posted by: M | 10 September 2010 at 09:46 AM
oh hell, sugar, i've had 4 miscarriages and i STILL think about what those kids may have been, and its way past the time you've had without Thalon. and even when you're being busy and tired and tired of EVERYTHING, those memories are going to come back and hurt when you least expect it.
make time for yourself. forget the showering and shaving, take the occasional potty break, dearling! (although that first shave after i was hospitalized last week felt MARVELOUS! i loathe having unshaved legs, but i'm weird like that. heh)
take care of yourself, you're the only YOU on the planet. *hugs*
Posted by: miss kitten | 10 September 2010 at 11:33 AM
What?? Apologize to SIL because of their emotional stupidity?? How did we get the same name and SIL and fathers?? WTF! My internal dialogue would talk to your internal dialogue but it got distracted by wondering if there was food in the house. ^_^
Posted by: Shana | 10 September 2010 at 12:44 PM
Oh god I hope that the dumbass Enzo doesn't win BB! But I am a little over it and want the live feed into the jury house.
Can I just say how nice it is to know that I am not the only one who gets lost in my own internal thoughts. Sometimes I get really annoyed when the person I am talking to won't shut up I may or may not shhh them so I can hear my thoughts better. Probably not a good social game but I don't much care.
Now lets go have a drink! I could really use an amaretto sour right about now. ;-)
Posted by: Michelle Pixie | 10 September 2010 at 02:42 PM
So you're saying I did something wrong. I get it. Sorry :D
I've been wanting to email you, so I'll just put it here. I heard the other day that a girl I went to high school with has a son named Talon. I instantly got pissed. Did this bitch not know that it's THALON?! And if Shana can't have her THALON, this bitch shouldn't name her son anywhere close to his name. So, I verbally assaulted her in my mind, for you. You're welcome.
Posted by: Gamanda | 10 September 2010 at 03:47 PM
"pleasure my husband" That made me snicker.
At least you got your business off your chest. Matters more for you for doing it than how she takes it. Good for you for having the balls. :)
Posted by: little miss mel | 10 September 2010 at 03:48 PM
You have been SO busy you haven't had time for a cocktail????? Call a doctor, STAT. I'm going to send my next message in a bottle.
Posted by: 180|360 | 11 September 2010 at 06:18 PM
You're not selfish, you're fucking grieving.
Also your internal dialogue sounds like mine! only mine often deviates into thinking about snack foods and chocolate.
Posted by: Molly | 12 September 2010 at 07:44 AM
Man. Haven't watched that show since the first two seasons. Although, I enjoyed it then. ; )
Yeah. I was one of the apologizers. Maybe I should be grateful you are in a whirlwind. I guess the busy-ness (is there a word like that?) is a double-edged sword. I know you were afraid of the quiet empty house, but I think the pendulum may have gone a little too far the other way, eh? They've seen me cry in the school office multiple times. I am sure it is normal. Maybe they have to take training on 'fucked-up moms who come to school and cry'. If they don't, they should, huh?
If your sil doesn't get it after you cried, and talked, well, she is never going to get it. And, honestly, how could you act any differently? My son and my nephew, both 7, are 5 months apart in age. If anything happened to either one of them I know that it would be difficult for my brother or I to be around the other. Just too close. Not their fault, but just an in-your-face reminder of what you have lost.
As always, much love. Many hugs. I don't do those French kisses on both cheeks, so you are not getting that. ; )
Posted by: Heather Ann | 12 September 2010 at 10:40 AM
Please, have a cocktail!
Posted by: Michele | 12 September 2010 at 07:30 PM
The only apology should be from your SIL for not bringing a bottle of vodka over and giving you a hug.....daily. You rock. Hope like fuck you're better than half-way done with the invitations and placecards....
Posted by: Cindy | 12 September 2010 at 10:44 PM
Since I can't comment on your post from tonight (9/13) I'm gonna post here. So, so sorry for all this shit Shanna. I just would love to roll you up into a "potato bug" ball and put you in my pocket. For safekeeping.
I would like to distract you for a moment. My 25 year old son is a drug addict. He's addicted to oxy. He's stolen 4000.00 from my bank account in the last 3 months. He's my "baby". My youngest....and I can't help him. No matter what I do, I can't "fix" him.And you know what he said to me today "What are you doing to help me?" And I gulped. Because he SCREAMED those words at me. SCREAMED! All I wanted to say was "I diapered your ass, wiped your vomit off the walls, bought you clothes, feed you, schooled you, bought you cars, co-signed for apartments,held you when a girl broke your heart, encouraged you, told you how smart you are, didn't put your ass in jail when you stole from me....." But in reality, I had no words for him.
In no way, am I trying to compare my loss from yours. Because godforbid.....
Hugs to you.
Posted by: Linda | 14 September 2010 at 12:23 AM
The world should be apologizing to you.
Posted by: Mysh | 14 September 2010 at 01:21 PM
My goodness.... there should be no apologies necessary....especially to family!
I hope your friends and family read your blog and comment pages! Send them all in here, we will set them straight!
Apology my *ss! If your SIL made you feel like you should apologise for your grief, then it is time for her to take a long hard look at herself. My goodness.
Posted by: Snow | 16 September 2010 at 02:10 PM
you've been away awhile - hope you're o.k., well, i hope you're better than o.k....
Posted by: Heather | 23 September 2010 at 11:07 AM