It has been 14 years since I wore a dress last. My wedding day for those of you counting. Based on tonight's attempt to change this fact, I have 5 pairs of Spanx and a body corset on. The effect? Let me just say, it looks like I'll be in hell before I try to repeat this exercise again.
Okay, five pairs might be a slight exaggeration. Just a slight one.
I walked into Celia's room and asked her opinion of said stuffing. Sadly, I know what she is thinking as she is me in a smaller form. The "maybe you should try another color" statement I used to give my mother has moved onto, "yes? Ummm.... did daddy buy that for you? *insert half laugh, smirk.* Uhhh? Whaa? "Okay, so what you are saying this isn't the right look for me, right?" *silence.* "You look pretty. I love your make up today." I wasn't wearing any.
I walked into Moira's room. She is usally more thoughtful and sweet in her comments. "Oh, mommy! You look so pretty in your nightgown!" "Ummm. thank you sweet heart."
I turned around, left the room and changed into my sweats. Of course I poured myself a cocktail! Mainly because depanting Spanx makes you feel like you all your innards will take weeks to finally settle back into somewhere close in proximity to where they were before your torture.
Even though I have lost over 60+ pounds since last year at this time, my delusions of weight loss continue to plague me. I continue to think I am smaller than I really am. That is.... until I look in a mirror (which I really try to avoid at all costs) or see myself in a picture (like I EVER get a full-on body shot in one.)
Even though a person I haven't seen in a year complemented me yesterday that I looked like I had lost a 'shit-ton- of weight and my feral and gnarly older daughter said my butt looked a lot smaller. for no reason. which scared me after she said it. I mean, like your pre-teen kid ever says anything nice about you? and it would be out of the blue that my butt looked smaller. did she really mean it looked bigger? is my butt a constant source of angst for her? does she worry and share with her sister and friends, "oh, my, god, Becky! I hope I never get anywhere near the size of my mother's butt?" did she want something from me and I just didn't pick up on the Eddie Haskell cues?
Leave It to Beaver (1997)
Eddie Haskell Jr.: You looked as though you just walked out the runway.
June Cleaver: Eddie?
Eddie Haskell Jr.: Yes Mrs. Cleaver?
June Cleaver: Cut the crap.
I have a celebration/party to go to on Friday evening. For once, I would like to look more feminine. Not that a dress means you are more feminine but in all honesty, you don't see too many dudes out there rocking the Better Draper cocktail dress. Well, strike that thought. You do see some looking pretty fab but I don't think they are going to be at this particular party.
Instead, Friday, I'll be over in the corner wearing my uniform of black on black with a little side of black. I might go crazy and wear some red lipstick. You know, smoke and mirrors. Smoke and mirrors.
Heeeeyy!!! You're here!! I just read all six days, and you are hilarious. I completely feel you on blogs dying and losing one's voice - I shut mine down and created a new private one that is pure family record. I never wax into too much wtf-ery there. Or any at all. And I really hear you on the things I would do differently based on vanity talk. I love looking back on pictures in which I thought I was fat only to realize I was smaller then... Even though I too am again on the downhill slide with weight. Oh to be as small as I was when I thought I was fat ten years ago, right?
So great to see you, so to speak, and I live your commitment to your Halloween costumes!!
Posted by: Sarah | 06 November 2014 at 08:03 AM
No... I don't live that level of commitment to anything. Seriously I think these phone fuck up the word "love" to protect teenagers or something - it will not type out l-o-v-e for anything!! But I do love your Halloween mojo!
Posted by: Sarah | 06 November 2014 at 08:06 AM
You've lost over 60 lb and you're surprised when people tell you that you look like you've lost weight?
I tend to stick with black, but I do venture out sometimes into gray with black. (Actually, last year, I bought a dress to wear to a Christmas concert that was black with orange and red. It was kind of loud, come to think of it.)
Posted by: a | 06 November 2014 at 09:19 AM
Thank you for the good laugh. I think you should say fuck it and wear a dress. You have done so well to lose 60lbs and I think you look amazing!
Posted by: 180360 | 06 November 2014 at 11:45 AM
I always think I am smaller than I actually am! Ugh. It is such a shock when reality strikes. Oh, how I wish and long for my inner self to match my outer self. Hoping to get back there one of these days.
Keep on keeping on, Shana! So happy you are back writing!
Posted by: Snow | 07 November 2014 at 11:50 AM
Congrats on the 60+ lb weight loss!! I need to do whatever you're doing. (Also, true story: I threw out my shoulder putting on a pair of Spanx!)
Posted by: Marsha | 07 November 2014 at 07:35 PM
I agree with 180360 Say Fuck it and wear the damn dress :)
Posted by: Ashley | 10 November 2014 at 04:35 PM
So did you wear the dress or what? 60 pounds is something to be proud of! I lost 30, got bored, put 10 back on and am now fighting to take off that 10 plus the 20 I didn't finish with the first time. It's all me- I eat too much and I'm lazy as shit therefore I'm flabby and chubby. I'm working on it- on the treadmill daily and eating better blah blah blah. It isn't fun but I feel a lot better.
Posted by: Niki | 16 November 2014 at 08:52 AM