nevermore

In the beginning.... The beginning of this little spot... here... in the world full of vast narcissism (ahem...mine withstanding) was my own little world. When I hit *send* 10.5 years ago, I was virtually alone. Documenting being a new mother, losing my Grandmother and my husband forever gone because he had to pay the bills for the ever fertile family.

I wrote about how I sang songs to my children on how they needed to share their candy with me while reading their "What would God do books." I knew they couldn't read so I tried to brainwash them into believing God would want them to share their hidden stash. or let me crap in peace.

During this time, ever so slowly people would show up and comment about my mundane prospective on life. Then more would show up and I was all like, "Hey, Whaa? Okay! Let's do this!" I really never asked where they came from or how they found their way to my little tiny corner of space. I began to banter with them, trade emails, direct messaged and have phone conversations with these random people.

In a world of everything being suspicious and full of malice likened from a T.V. show from 48 Hours, I always knew that these random faceless people were real people like me. Trying to find a connection in a world full of burnt out fuses.

They soon became more than faceless beings. They became real. Tangible connections.

While I don't full-on believe in Match.com, I DO believe in people across the divide becoming friends. Friends based on one thing. Connection. Words that make you laugh, make you cry. True emotion that touches a part of you in a common way. Not based in the physical or what you can do for me but in how you make me feel.

I have met quite a few people that I consider life-long friends. Just because the physical meetings are very far and few between, they most of the time seem like more genuine and full-bodied friendships than the ones you have on a more local plane.

I wax poetic to the days of new and budding beginnings of friendships stemming from just plain old-school blogging due to someone I met in those free and open times. Way back when. Someone, not just anyone, but a true original spirit that touched me in such a way that of course, she would never know just how much.

Someone who appreciated genuine emotion and the written word. Someone who embodied this in her everyday life. Someone, Stacy, who was far smarter, more beautiful, creative and pretty much everything I wished I could be.

I could really be angry with why she did what she did but quite honestly, I get why she did what she did. Anyone with true shit-storm, mother-fucking, piece-of-shit depression gets it.

There are a few reasons to keep one keeping on. Mine? My kids... and that is a true tethered-edged excuse. Others? Who knows. I can't say I can condemn anything done in the moment of true deep, dark and dank despair.  I can only think there were a few calls, texts and mind-blowing mind-fuck thoughts for people to stop her. Sadly, they didn't come through in time. Maybe they were all on the toilet at the same time.... Maybe she had her phone on silent like I do on a daily basis....

and there was the fact, there was nothing anything anyone could say or do to change her mind. She was finally done. We were warned and forewarned and yet, we didn't heed her words.

and the timing. So appropriate. Like, a big I told you so in our faces.

None of this is lost on any of us. Well played. So, well played.

I'll miss her mix tapes and her beautiful written rants on why we should get the tattoo "Nevermore" scribed on our bodies. Documenting living and breathing and keeping on. Despite all of the bullshit that seems to encapsulate our world. Two people in different places in life but still feeling the same shit. Sometimes, the most inconsolable shit. I never felt like I could translate the feeling just right and appropriate to make it a permanent one for her.

So I didn't.

Sounds like every other creative job I have not completed in my life.  

I'll really miss you, my friend.

I DO miss you, my friend.

Peace and

"Nevermore."

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Rhonda]

I am so sorry that you lost your friend. There are no words. Just know that a stranger in a suburban Onatrio town is sitting in her kitchen on a chilly morning thinking of you and of her.

[Jane]

So sorry to hear about your friend.

[Jen B]

Sorry for your loss. It's never easy.

[Alison]

She was a light, wasn't she? I'm so sorry she left this world. Sorry that you lost a dear friend. Sorry I didn't keep up with her when she quit blogging. Sorry I wasn't a better friend.

When are you getting that tattoo?

[Niki]

I get it.

[Cheryl K]

I am so sorry, there are no words. I have missed you, or should I say I miss your writing.

[a]

I'm sorry your friend is gone. I wish I had something comforting to say.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry, Shana. I miss her too. She was a special human being. But I get it too. Xoxo

[Deborah Pucci]

I heard about her leaving our world but I never knew her or followed her. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that I care......((HUGS))
Our future daughter in law lost her father over Thanksgiving weekend last year and it is so sad when we can't help them to see that tomorrow is a new day! When your that deep in pain you can't see ......

[Linda]

I'm so sorry that your friend is gone.
There was no translation of the feeling that would have changed her.
Be gentle with yourself, Shana.

[180360]

Nevermore. Everlong. I hope she has found peace. xo

[Becki]

So sorry for the loss of your friends\. And while we cannot understand what they were going through (well some can more than others) it is OK to be a big angry with them because bottom line, these people do choose themselves first, even though many are very smart and aware and KNOW the pain their act will cause. But we forgive them, move on and love their memory. But deep down, if we are honest, we are ticked at them now and then. Especially when we witness and have to hold up the survivors. {{{HUGS}}} to you. And so hoping to actually meet you one day, my Okie friend!

[JD]

Sucks...sorry my friend, you have lost far to much in your lifetime...

[Sarah G]

I'm so sorry.

[Nathan Pralle]

She would have appreciated this writing just as much as she would have despised being the subject of it. But she would have loved your craft more than her embarrassment. I join you in pain at the loss. It still hits me from time to time and I quake.

[Ashley]

I'm sorry about your friend, Shana!
I'm glad you and I met... and I'm glad we can "keep up" on FB.

I suck at being a friend! How do we keep our connections when life just swallows us up? :(