Gorillabuns

In times like these

you will receive 452 emails with the above opening statement, assuring you online and brick and mortar stores are freaking the fuck out. 

If you aren't, 'freaking the fuck out' well, I don't think I want to know you.

It is Day 3 of the furrior and well, I'm spiralling down the rabbit hole of being productive. 

I haven't washed my hair in a week, and not sure when I last bathed. Meh, who cares? I'm not seeing anyone. My family is ignoring me anyway.

 

As I am an only child, I have learned to entertain me, myself and I because I was a) weird, b) lived in apartment complexes with criminals and rapists surrounding us and scoping us out and c) well, raised by a single mother who wasn't a joiner. Love ya mom!

Three days into 'social distancing' and I have made a goal for myself to do something direct and worthwhile. I need human contact though (sorta). I mean I really don't want to see anyone. Just want the ability or option to do so if I feel particularly cute and/or clean.

I am sure this venture/adventure will last like a day or so but one can try to be thoughtful and intentional.

(thoughtful and intentional sounds like a self-help book title. I hate self-help books)  

I am going to send a letter, note and/or card to a friend or family member every day.

Like the olden days. 

by candlelight and quill pen.

Like Jo March or more like Dorothy Parker. 

I'll be adding my usual flair to each note.

Such as.....

If I like it enough, I'll have prints made for sale in my Etsy store.

One day.

when I wash my hair and such.

 

damn

I can't believe I let this site lapse into the underworld web hosting mafia to only ask me to pay $2K to get my handle back. Screw the ransom! 

If you are here, you remember when blogging was true-ass blogging and well, you are a dinosaur.  I welcome you my fellow relics!

I have missed writing about absolutely nothing! I can thank the forces surrounding my family and I to take the joy out of everything to let me be me. 

A new year and new? Me? Dude, I feel haggard. I'm sure you do too! I have spent over a year appeasing everyone and no one. I am a true expert in this area.

Last posts from centuries were vague and well, shitty. As not to offend anyone in the free world.

I've decided to stop give a fuck and move on my way towards my {stupid phrase} truth and happiness.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

We have a new dog. His name is Frankie. I almost divorced Rich over this fucker being introduced into our house.

Now, I hope his schizophrenic assholeness can withstand a warm Winter's nap with me.

 

He's a bit bigger now, but not by much.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Sadly, I don't take many pictures of the girls these days. I wish I was more present in this aspect. Don't worry though, they take a shit-ton of themselves daily. Not sure why they do this. Maybe, I should take 75 selfies in one day to show everyone how stupid they look in doing so.

and 30 vlogs about ABSOLUTELY STUPID SHIT! I don't want to see anyone talk that much! Not even my family.

Can you believe this is the last picture I took of 1/2 of my brood? 

Halloween?

Moira was at a friend's house, doing teenagery things.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I've been very busy with my business. Adding more obligations on top of others. 

Everyone in the wedding industry touts this "Community over Competition," attitude. They don't really mean it, but want to look like they are holy and shit.

I am OG, baby! I do not like competition, but I am a very competitive person. I don't like sharing my allegiance with vendors and I get REALLY PISSED when vendors cheat on me. Especially when I've bent over backwards during some really stressful events. 

Ink Stained Fingers 

My business I love, but..... drives my anxiety through the roof.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Lastly, I turned 50 Thursday. For some reason, this is a very hard birthday for me.

Everything is falling apart, down and side-ways.

It takes A LOT MORE spackle and shit to look slightly human, but I am alive and kicking it. Something to be thankful, no?

 

Freshman

I've been lax. Lazy. Hermit as of late. Watching your kids grow before your eyes is like the hardest thing I've ever done. Well, with exception of my child dying. Then again, it feels like they are dying because they really are no longer yours. Like they ever were. It's like a tragic play and you just THINK they are yours. BUT, they aren't. The 2nd Act of that hard to watch play has just occurred but you missed it because you were in the bathroom or playing Candy Crush because you were not paying attention. Story of my life.

I posted this on Facebook tonight and realized...... I have missed this space of my life when my girls were little beings.

I remember this time (just a moment ago) as being so difficult. Moira in a stroller and Celia screaming throughout the mall (because she didn't want to leave), "don't steal me! She's not my mother!" while throwing her body on the ground like a possessed being. I also remember a kind older lady holding the mall door open for me to exit quickly, telling me, "Honey, it's going to be okay. This is going to pass so quickly and you are going to wish you were back here." I looked at her crying because I thought she had lost her ever loving mind. Yea, right! Like I would EVER want to revisit this moment in life.
Hey, mystery lady! You were so right. I would do ANYTHING to have that time back as my defiant and crazy haired child is going into high school. Let's go back to tea parties and Ariel costumes. Okay?

I do have to wonder What the HELL? did I do to my eyebrows during this time? I mean I do like to pick, poke and pluck but, DAMN! Those are 90's brows in the 2000's.

All of that aside. I miss this time of life. Now they are hormonal and annoyed with my existence. I get it. I was too at this age.

I just hope they will need some in the coming years because, dude! I need someone to need me.

I guess I am lame like this.

 

hey, how you doin'?

Yep! That's how I'm doing as well.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

I just unfriended someone on Facebook. I have to say, this was the first time in 8 years I've done such an act. The last person I did so was because she a crack addict and I had just lost Thalon. Crack addict was a proven fact so I'm not slandering here. Actually, truth be told the person I just deleted was probably a victim of circumstance from seeing the same vitriol posted over and over again but mainly because, the commentary was from people I know. Local people I am in very close contact with on a daily basis. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Their inability to see anything more than their very privileged and sheltered lives. and yes, I know I am a very privileged woman. A fat white one but I know my place in the hierarchy of public status. Nonetheless, when you have to shame people because of their appearance you have lost all credibility to me. You are attacking and not open. Attacking because you aren't willing to see any side but what you want to see. 

I would say "most" would say, I am a pretty open person when it comes to discussion about your beliefs, dreams, whims, desires and thoughts. Just because I may not think the same way, I'm not going to lambaste you. But dude, when all you spew is derision, I finally have a breaking point of sorts. 

This new year should be coined "the year of standing up for what you believe in but have some fucking compassion for others." When you fat shame others or call them stupid for not nodding your head in agreement to your absolute ideals? I am finally calling bullshit on your attacks of ignorance or how about this? Intolerance? I have never been one to say my way is the highway and your highway is a broken down swamp. Do I believe people make errors in their freedom of speech? WHOLEHEARTEDLY!!! I do daily! But damn i,t Janet! Think outside of yourself for a fucking nano second....

I try my best to be a good person daily. I get impatient with others. Especially when driving on the highway and in carpool. I admit I am the person speeding by you when you are driving -25 mph when I'm late but when I finally make eye contact? I feel bad about myself as a person because, I am a selfish motherfucker. 

Yes, I feel guilty all of the time. Catholic guilt? Maybe. Even though I'm such a horrible Catholic. Right now, I'm probably hitting the 7th circle of hell from my travesties. 

An understatement of the year. Shit, it has only been 22 days of a whole fuck-ton of eternity!  

**sigh....**

Guilty for being a selfish asshole on the highway. Selfish because I feel like no one has a sense of urgency when they are driving other than sports cars and really big 15 ton trucks. I feel guilty when I'm impatient because it took an hour and a half for lunch to be served after a 'women's' rally yesterday. Let us all be thankful for Lexapro in tha' house!!! I just asked for the check and gave a 22% tip after gagging down cold food. Mainly because I saw the other side of the restaurant or social and privileged entitlements. The staff was doing the best they could in a mass of demanding people wanting their swirls and chips and salsa. Okay, so I was a waitress in college and let me tell you, there were quite a few assholes who made me cry over first world problems. I still try to remember being that 22 year-old person; serving the drunk who can't remember what steak he wanted and his neat and tidy drink with a twist of lemon or was it lime? He sure as hell couldn't remember. I still had compassion for him because he obviously was not a happy person and pretty much everyone else around him was miserable as hell. 

This last sentence brings me back to the beginning of my around-the-world start. I feel and yes, it IS my feelings alone, people who tear others down because they don't feel the way you do or agree with you, are just simply sad people.  They probably can't find the joy in a newborn's first laugh or cotton candy or DAVE GROHL or how swinging in a too small seat of a swing with abandon to the up-most heights is so freaking freeing and wonderful. 

I am trying to be a better person. This is all I can promise to be. I know I have not been vocal about issues that should have mattered separate of my own selfish agenda. I'm trying. Like really hard. I give anonymously to so much but in the end I don't feel like I'm doing enough. 

My only goal is to do better. To be better. To be more vocal when it makes my own need to please and placate burn from the uncomfortableness of it all.

and also learn how to use real words other than the fourth to the last word used. 

peace.