Gorillabuns

Spanx

It has been 14 years since I wore a dress last. My wedding day for those of you counting. Based on tonight's attempt to change this fact, I have 5 pairs of Spanx and a body corset on. The effect? Let me just say, it looks like I'll be in hell before I try to repeat this exercise again.

Okay, five pairs might be a slight exaggeration. Just a slight one. 

I walked into Celia's room and asked her opinion of said stuffing. Sadly, I know what she is thinking as she is me in a smaller form. The "maybe you should try another color" statement I used to give my mother has moved onto, "yes? Ummm.... did daddy buy that for you? *insert half laugh, smirk.* Uhhh? Whaa? "Okay, so what you are saying this isn't the right look for me, right?" *silence.*  "You look pretty. I love your make up today." I wasn't wearing any.

I walked into Moira's room. She is usally more thoughtful and sweet in her comments. "Oh, mommy! You look so pretty in your nightgown!" "Ummm. thank you sweet heart."

I turned around, left the room and changed into my sweats. Of course I poured myself a cocktail! Mainly because depanting Spanx makes you feel like you all your innards will take weeks to finally settle back into somewhere close in proximity to where they were before your torture.

Even though I have lost over 60+ pounds since last year at this time, my delusions of weight loss continue to plague me. I continue to think I am smaller than I really am. That is.... until I look in a mirror (which I really try to avoid at all costs) or see myself in a picture (like I EVER get a full-on body shot in one.)

Even though a person I haven't seen in a year complemented me yesterday that I looked like I had lost a 'shit-ton- of weight and my feral and gnarly older daughter said my butt looked a lot smaller. for no reason. which scared me after she said it. I mean, like your pre-teen kid ever says anything nice about you? and it would be out of the blue that my butt looked smaller. did she really mean it looked bigger? is my butt a constant source of angst for her? does she worry and share with her sister and friends, "oh, my, god, Becky! I hope I never get anywhere near the size of my mother's butt?" did she want something from me and I just didn't pick up on the Eddie Haskell cues?

 

Leave It to Beaver (1997)

Eddie Haskell Jr.: You looked as though you just walked out the runway. 
June Cleaver: Eddie? 
Eddie Haskell Jr.: Yes Mrs. Cleaver? 
June Cleaver: Cut the crap. 

I have a celebration/party to go to on Friday evening. For once, I would like to look more feminine. Not that a dress means you are more feminine but in all honesty, you don't see too many dudes out there rocking the Better Draper cocktail dress. Well, strike that thought. You do see some looking pretty fab but I don't think they are going to be at this particular party.

Instead, Friday, I'll be over in the corner wearing my uniform of black on black with a little side of black. I might go crazy and wear some red lipstick. You know, smoke and mirrors. Smoke and mirrors. 

disco gnome

I have a thing for all things disco balls and gnomes. and Snow Globes but to be fair, I've really tried to give up that truck stop habit. OH! and hands! I LOVE HANDS!!!

Okay, yes, my name is Shana and I am a hoarder...I come from a long line of hoarders....

While wasting time and not doing anything I am supposed to be doing, like making the kids a nutritious dinner, I saw this tonight and was so super-duper happy!

Disco gnome

The price tag is way too pricey for me. $129 dollars? I couldn't live with myself if I spent that amount of money on this beaut. I still want him though.

Bertram, our families traveling gnome,  jumped to his death this summer while visiting Branson, Missouri. I think mainly he was trying to get away from Hillbilly Hell and our warring factions over Silver Dollar City vs Titantic exhibit vs a religious revival with snakes and tongues and the holy spirit of sorts. I seriously was jealous of him when he bit it.

I think my mother may have still have his broke-ass self as she is the queen of fixing shit up like no other. I'm not so patient. Even the girls are all like, "Hey, can you give this to Grandmother? She can fix anything! You? Not-so-much!"

Yo! Hey Mom! If you are reading this and still have him, would you please! slap some glue on his plasterfied body because I'm 'bout to mirror-dazzling him to the max!

This way he will be super fab when he travels with us into a bar later this month during a dance convention.

Rich, Bertram and I, sitting at a table in western Oklahoma alongside Dance Moms and screaming girls to the hilt. All staring at us like we've lost our minds because a bedazzled gnome is way stranger than being with 500 girls in whore make-up and cutthroat mom's throwing shade.

 

last ditch efforts

I think this (the way I'm doing it) is how a blog slowly dies. You lost your voice. Just getting out of bed and parenting two hormonal girls is enough to make you cry and retreat.

You are far too concerned about spray painting Halloween party centerpieces and throwing more shit onto the black fire than to think of anything relevant to write about - that even interests you.

You become the "Jan" of volunteering

Because.... SHIT/DAMN! Someone appreciates your committment!

and because, if you don't do it, NO ONE ELSE WILL! {What about the children'...?}

Because you might or you MIGHT have a late night Zulilly shopping addiction, you decide you are going to list your whole fucking house on Ebay, because? Why not? and because WHY THE FUCK NOT? I like to come up with more interesting descriptions than the generic. Something akin to "Sadly, there is no box as it was converted into an American Girl bed. You know, a girl has to create....."

 See? This is where my best writing is created!!!

Obviously not here.

Rich and I decided to go ONE MORE YEAR as something more entertaining as ourselves.

This year....

Rich is 'Juicy Joe and I'm Tre a.k.a. Teresa Guidice on her way to prison. We were invited to go to a party with peeps we meet oh, say? nine weeks ago?  Most of the crowd didn't know how to handle our 'owning the character' of the evening. Especially the part of the evening where I lost my keys say, 3.2 minutes into the party and let everyone know about this misfortune as I danced, drank, danced, "do you know where my keys are?", danced, talked, discussed the duality of man and life while using my flash light app of my phone to roam the asphalt streets of the country. After I did a major strip down in the bathroom trying to see if somehow something was shoved in my already overstuffed bra, Rich and I won 'Best Celebrity Couple.' In true form of most Oscar moments when the winner is ALWAYS in the bathroom, I missed out. I did however find my keys another hour later, underneath a table. Alongside a dinner roll and a wadded up napkin.

Let's see if we are invited again next year. Kinda doubtful when the hostess says, hey, next time? How about I hold your keys for you?

The kids dressed up and semi-survived Halloween.

This happened to the be the first year Celia didn't have a meltdown.

This happened to be the first Moira did.

This happened to be the first year, I popped three Prozac and contemplated calling my mommy.

I getting way too old for hormones and drama....

The kids were able to make their own choices for costumes.

Long gone any control on my part.

Celia's obsession with The Walking Dead is beyond the Monster High phenom.  Girl had us running all over town trying to find a pudding can as a candy collector. Though? Truth be told, I was so happy she didn't want to be a store bought packaged drone.

Diana, Goddess of the Hunt...  I added this part to the costume so she wouldn't be like the 30,000 others in this dress....The need to be 'pretty' is overwhelming. So the one picture that I felt like she didn't pose or want public or posted is the picture that is my favorite. Suffice it to say, the jury is still out on if she is going to be that chick you fucking hate because she has make everything look slutty, sexy and trashy for Halloween to feel better about herself.  I truly hope not.

I hope I can get this fragile flower to feel more independent and worthy of her own ideas and values. Mainly because it is more healthy and more well, say?

Individual.

 

 

 

 

 

Cheap-ass

 
I've spent way too much time as of late doing a shit-ton of calligraphy

Why, yes! This IS my dining room table of which we eat off of once a month....

if that.....

notice the fine etching of a gang member in tha house?

I leave the tag and up them one with all of the Pollock-like splotches in other places embedded into the wood for the chitlin's to do Rorschach interpretations during their morning slodge-fest.

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Watching "The Walking Dead" marathon before the new one starts on Wednesday. Correction: Celia is watching and obsessing over it.

I must say, I'm quite impressed with her charting capabilities and "natural recycling" use of found objects in the house to use as a binder.

And to think, SOME people said she was ADD in 2nd grade and not all together and there.....

Okay, I'll admit, the handwriting is total shit. We need to work on it.... but she gets a major A in dissemination and interpretation.

man, I love to try to use big technical words that really don't go into the sentences I type......

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Doing the kid's projects... I mean, helping them do their prospective projects. To clarify: I DID NOT draw the picture. Moira did! I just scanned it and popped it on a parchment paper background and added a super fab font for the cover.

I think we are SO GONNA rock the grade on this bio!

Being super stoked! (Because it is 1987) over a little coverage from the fruits of my labor: I say to the kids during their nightly homework sessions, "Go BIG! or go home!" Don't be one of the boring peeps who write their shit in crayon on white paper. Be the stand out! Even if you didn't follow the directions because you gave your mother the rules of assignment at 9:30pm the night before.

If you are gonna fail? DO IT EPICALLY!!! This kind of revoltism or is it revoltizm? will never get you in trouble around here. Unless you are in 9th grade and everything starts to go on your permanent record....

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Place Cards Rock!

Say! Look at that! Someone took a picture of my biz!  I have to say, this professional styling looks way better than the actual product....

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 Rich and I have had a constant debate over this subject for the past five years...:

"Rich says I am the Jan Brady of volunteering. I've never met a list I didn't sign up on. I think it is because I'm always trying to become the perfect Marsha, Marsha, MARSHA! and not succeeding at it so well."

He says I try to please all that do not matter and do not please those who do.

I would like to please all who don't and do matter because....

I'm constantly proving to myself that I can do better.

I'd say that is soooo.... a glass half-full analogy... I think....

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and finally!

I have become an EXTREME COUPONING FOOL/BITCH!

I can't tell you how obsessed and how clogged my phone is with stupid apps to save us money when you have to spend $50 first and may or may not get a rebate.

I didn't say I was smart, but will totally get nutty-town if I have to purchase something for $18.00 then get $3.00 off and then use a Target coupon on top of the $5.00 Target gift card rebate and 5% Target Debit Card deal.

Let's just say, I even confused Rich tonight with my paper coupons and two different scan codes from my phone to walk out of Target under $200.00.

This is what we call - Date Night.

We are officially old.

obsess much?

Every once in awhile, I'll check my stats to see where and how people come to this site. This means I am usually avoiding doing important tasks like the dishes or a calligraphy job.  So instead, I waste time with first world issues of internet time-suck.  

Lately, I've noticed a few 'stalkers' of local descent.  I'm not quite sure how this "person/persons" have so much time to check this shit out at least twice a day (early morning and evening) or look back through my difficult to wade-through archives but they are doing so with fervor.

Methinks, they should totally win an award for the most meaningless time-suck of life and brain power on the web.

I'm pretty sure I know who it is.............. and okay........?  Bored much?

I don't think it is the 'stalker' I met at the local 711 the other night while making change for the tooth fairy. 

He didn't seem like the brightest light in the room. I mean, he was trying to pick me up while holding a bag of Cheetos and a Mountain Dew. 

Apparently, he didn't care if i was married or if he was as well. 

A total dream come true.

Speaking of bright bulbs in the house,  our tooth fairy who feels guilty for skipping a day for her visit paid off her patron tooth carrier to still love her because losing teeth at midnight is not convenient for all  parties concerned.

Speaking of fairies and Santa Clause and all things mystical and powerful, how old was your child when they FINALLY learned the truth of all entities in their midst?

I have a Sixth grader who will be going to college expecting Santa Clause to pay his respects to her in her college dorm.

Because he's "just like my daddy! He gives me gifts! and loves me! He's the best!"

Can someone else tell them? I'll talk about periods, sex and death with no issues. Just not about Santa and fairies.

That subject matter is way too hard to deal with....