Gorillabuns

Hello, Mrs. Kendall!!!!!

While shopping for something to drink besides tainted water for our household the other day, we ran into the local Walmarts.  I do really try to not shop at this particular location because of the happenstance of getting shanked in aisle 7 but putting all of this fear of safety aside..... sometimes a girl doesn't want to fight the masses at Target for 1/2 stocked shelves of overpriced toilet paper and super fab beef jerky displays.  Sorry you are not living in the ghetto (and I say ghetto because someone was shot in the parking lot recently and assaulted as well......)

While looking totally awesome and high class (sans makeup and two-day old clothing which I may or may not have slept in...doing laundry is totally overrated) while berating Celia to FINALLY quit messing with her sister, a woman passed by and said quite nonchalantly, "I really wish you would post more."  My eyes might have bugged out of my head because LORDY! I don't write anymore and no one reads this space any longer.

Except for a select few.

Mrs. Kendall listened to quite a bit of my ailments I haven't posted about in awhile. Hello! I am 85 and a hypochondriac!

I might have lifted my shirt for her to view such wounds...

 (After giving a calligraphy lesson, I fell down concrete and brick steps.)

Thankfully, I will not die of a DVT or breast cancer or Melanoma. I might die of falling on an arm filled with recently removed stitches that was recently removing 'the Melanoma' and busted open something quite spectacular!

We now have a sign or status blinking in our house, "0 DAYS SINCE SHANA ABOUT KILLED HERSELF AND IS ACCIDENT FREE!!!!"

and NO! I'm not drunk during these expeditions!

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Calligraphy is still VERY steady even with bum legs and all....

I think I had something like a two week break! 

Everyone was quite happy to eat at our dinner table and have clean clothes during this hiatus.

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WHILE WE WERE ON A BREAK! We decided to go to the panhandle of Oklahoma!!! to see bats emerging from a cave.

Don't ask me why other than Rich has talked about seeing this view for years.

Yes! We are such thrill-seekers! Most people go sky diving, travel to Mexico or climb the Andes but WE? sit in folding chairs looking for 1,000,000 bats to emerge!

As you can tell, one kid was SUPER-DUPER thrilled about this experience in 1,000 degree heat and humidity!

(The other one is a wonderful trooper! I think it's because she's not hit that "pre-teen" phase of life. yet.)

You see the millions of bats?

No? Yeah, I barely saw them myself.  Maybe I should have taken some LSD beforehand to enhance the experience.  No awesome experience of bats shitting on your head while you marvel in the fact you may or may not get rabies.

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In summary, these pics were the best of our day trip.

 

We do like to waste a bit of time on the side-roads that may or may not house 'The Children of the Corn' compounds.

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OH! We recently returned from Dance Nationals in Branson, Missouri (cue the banjos...) which my daughter decided to turn 25 in the process.

Hey!

Squirrel!

Bright shiny foil!

MEANING my train of thought is like, ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!

Here is a picture of me at 21.  Notice the smize that Tyra Banks tries to perfect? Yeah, had it in spades. 

Actually, I keep flipping from this pic and the one above to see if Celia looks like me just a tenth of the notion that she is full-blooded Ri-CAArdo.

Nope! She's way prettier than me!

Thank god!

She takes after her daddy.

let's get realz

    "I have to bug out for awhile. All of your fabulousity lives are really starting to depress me."

- signed me. the ever depressed and full-to-the-rim-of-brim-bullshit.

go look up that last line up if you are say, 84. I'm sure you would know it along with "Hungryyyyy, Hungry Jack. They gobble 'em up and the plate come back for Hungry Jack."

and... you are welcome for that last ear worm.

Feeling quite depressed and overwhelmed with life, like most of you are feeling, I'm QUITE sure. We can quantify and qualify who's life is the worst but in the end, we all feel we are having the worst life  -  EVER.

Screw the "new year! a better you!"

I'm not really up to the task of a pissing match therefore, I'm going to concede or one-up or one-down you and say: you and say, maybe my life is sucking quite hard as of late.

Maybe, just maybe, I want to be the person shoving butt-loads of sunshine and fortune up your ass to show you how wonderful I truly am.

But let's face it. That approach has never really been my bag. I'd rather be behind the scene of good fortune and spread the wealth than be in your face - gloating.

Isn't a braggart just this side of a seven deadly sin?

Wait! Let me go watch that Brad Pitt movie to make sure I've got my sinnage correct. God knows I'm not going to go and reference the bible for such info.

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I went to see Jack White and his whole guac-gate concert. Given this was one of four concerts I've ever attended sober and hotter than a whore in a whore house with no air conditioning and smelling everyone's ripe funky ass, I would give this concert a 6.

The sound sounded like shit and because of my seating, I could only hear 'Mush-mouth' at the microphone.

and well, Jack threw temper tantrum after temper tantrum on the stage and off left stage because I could see the back stage scenery. He so reminded me of assholes I've dated in my life because they are prima donna's of their universes.

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My daughter informed me Friday evening...

"I don't want to do amazing stuff for my Valentine's Day cards. You always want to do something special and different. I want to just hand out cards from Target and stuff." ~ Moira (4th Grade)

I gotta say, I am one of the 2 in the 3 billion parent who are quite unhappy by this statement. 

Sadly.....  I am raising a Gap and Abercrombie kid to wear a white shirt and jeans as so not to stand out.

I can't tell you how sad I am by all of these last sentences here....

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Speaking of vanilla and how-to-not-raise a kid homogenized.

The Walking Dead mid-season started back last night. In honor of the girls favorite show, I made a special meal of

chocolate pudding and 

discovered from The Nerdist

Bob's foot (Turkey meatloaf and yes....this is pre-baking.)

I simply don't understand why the girls are now vegetarians and won't even think bacon is something they could ever consider to consume in the next 13 years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2015 part deux

Things and/or objects of obsession this week:

How my hair has a strange Who-ville existence as of late. I wake up as a new character every morning. 

Today? I woke up as "The Flying Nun."

Rich double-dog dared me to go to lunch with this fab 'do.

After a look from the oldest, I decided this probably wasn't the best path to excellent food service from the waiters during lunch. So, I slicked my shit back. and didn't document because sometimes, I can be a tad vain.

Speaking of hair-shit, horse-shit and vanity:Let's talk about how my hairs grow way too fast....

This is barely four weeks of growth. I guess after two weeks, I really need to start wearing hats as I never realized I looked like THAT woman from Walmart with Half jet-black hair and white(ish) roots.....

........Questioning why I chose to dye the water of our toilets this week with blue bleach dye:other than I'm tired of them looking like a crime scene from 48 Hours....

and WHY!!! ???? would a kid 'accidentally' throw a bra in said blue-stained bowl of disgustingness while changing?

didn't they notice they were missing something?

speaking of missing something.....

Missing the 80's just a tad..... This video and song happen to be a point in my mundane day where I try to reenact every dance (especially the RERUN!!!!) I learned from my youth while wearing those FAB Red Reebok's from 1988!

You KNOW I totally had a pair. Okay, so my MOM DID! and I slightly borrowed them for a very long time of my existence in which I don't think she saw them again until ten years later because my feet grew bigger. and they were very cracked and damaged....

Yes, mother. I am already being paid back two-fold from 'the borrowers' in the hood.

 

 

Review

Facebook has been taunting me and berating me of my 45 day absence. Facebook needs to give two shits and leave me alone.

Sometimes you have to live or survive instead of stopping every 3.2 nanoseconds to document it for all to oooh and ahhh over. 

I've seen a lot of of "fuck you 2014!" all over the nets.  I'm guessing last year sucked-ass for most. I can't say it sucked more than any other year. In some ways it was better and some ways it was way worse than my past memories of years gone by.

The Good, Bad and Ugly of 2014:

We are ALL still alive! BAM!! Bonus points there!

The kids made it to the next level of education with flying colors and no one flunked!

Our youngest started Kindergarten. Oops! That didn't happen but one can imagine that fantasy, no?

I STILL over commit and over volunteer but epicly under deliver. Though, I did learn how to say NO way more than YES!

I am still late to everything but have shaved my late-dom time down five minutes. 

I lost over 60lbs but stalled. I'm hoping this year I can lose another 60lbs. This would be both satisfying and a big fuck you to people who think my weight is worth more than my intelligence. Because apparently looks are way more important. Because you all know fat equals stupid, lazy, unintelligent fat-fuck.

Rich and I almost, like really ALMOST ended our union this year. 

May was the month we like to describe as intense come-to-Jesus moments that brought our 24-years together to a windy and lost in the creepy and scary woods end-of-the-road bend to a more calm and serene brook in an abandoned forest of no one but us. Nothing else exists but us. Better than before with a more detailed and transcribed map. 

I really didn't think we were going to make it. I NEVER want to go through that time or relive it again. If I had to, I know I wouldn't survive. 

I shut down writing what I think about most things. This was both good and bad.

I was officially divorced, ex-communicated, mud sludged and strewn about like a total disposable garbage bag from Rich's family. *Yawn*

In otherwise good news: other than 'old' shit that never happened but perpetuated by said family being brought up right before Christmas (not to me but to Rich because, why? oh, yeah, I'm to always remember my place as a dubious and shitty character.  *Yawn*) -  this holiday season was way more peaceful and calming. Our kids thanked us.

Helll, I'm ready to take my Christmas tree down BEFORE Easter! 

Positive shit, people! Positive shit!

Summer flew by with a blur of wedding work and dance competitions. 

School started with a bam and so did the hormonal shit. 

I'm learning a whole new set of a patience level I never had or think I have now dealing with girls.

Walking Dead and Minecraft have replaced Monster High and American Girl Dolls.

Hell, as I write this, the girls are building and destroying shit with glee on their last night of staying up late as Minecraft junkies.

Resolutions for the New Year:

I vow to keep more toilet paper in my house and more than a 1/4 tank of gas in my car. 

I will not cut my hair again during a hormonal rage for at least another 12 months. 

I will not pick on my face until I scar the tip of my nose for four months for at least another 12 months.

Get more pedicures.

Finally watch the final last four episodes of Breaking Bad and House of Cards.

Take more pictures of kids even if they don't want me to document them.

Wear more lingerie and less baggie pj shit.

Wear matching bra and underwear.

Use more coupons but buy less shit.

Organize more, purge more and hoard less.

Spend more time with my mother.

Spend more time with friends who matter.

Have more dates with my husband and even a much needed getaway with my husband.  13 years since our last vacation alone is way too long.

Find the perfect size 11 cute shoes.

Wear red lipstick more often.

Whiten my teeth more.

Cuss less... Ha! Fuck that!

Quit chewing my nails.

Paint them more often.

Take my meds regularly.

File my taxes on time this year for once.

Say No! at least twice a week and mean it.

Write a trashy novel with my mother. 

Tell everyone I love them at least once a day though I think this is the only thing I do DO regularly. 

Pray to God and Dave more regularly.

and embrace the oddity of life waaayy more....

Peace be With You, 2015!

 

 

charity begins at.....everywhere

In past years, I have stacked boxes, bags of clothing and household items on my porch for a tax write-off/donation for others. Seriously, being self-employed, you look for every deduction you can get. Taxes are pretty much the death of me these days. After 13 years in the same home, we have amassed a ton of crap and well, I come from a long line of hoarders. We might just need that sweater from 1988 because there will be an 80's party, SOMEDAY! We might need to barter with other people left behind with our shoes and socks for a loaf of bread because others didn't plan so well. The box of 5021 keys will be the odd key that will open up an old lock into fortune and wealth mainly because, our ancestors were a strange and non-trusting lot.

I have only had one garage sale and felt the fruits of my labor were not worth the weird strangers pawing through my stuff. Let's face it, my temperament is not really made to argue about a $10 Coach purse that someone wants for $5.00. I might just beat you out of my garage sale with that said purse for the stupidity of your actions.

Lately, I have started eBaying crap that might have a 'bit' of value if it is from a something more than Justice or Old Navy. $200.00 later this month, I'm really wondering why I just gave everything away without any minor effort of making some money. At least trying to recoup some of my investment on these indecisive kids we have in this fort.

Last week, a friend shared with me about 24 children from Africa who were visiting for a small amount of time to perform and raise money for their village. After two weeks of screaming sessions with the girls on their clothing options, I donated seven bags of clothing for these children to wear here and warm weather clothing to take back home for their village.

The deep-hearted smiles and thanks they gave us was truly humbling. We do have too much. Americans on the whole have too much. Last week when Celia screamed her coats and sweaters were ugly, I decided it was time to know what being poor and without really means. I started looking for opportunities to volunteer and give their stuff away to others who are in need and might actually appreciate a Gap sequined sweater. By volunteering and giving, I mean THEY are going to be the ones to give it away, go through their closets, purge and have discussions with other children how tough their lives are in comparison. 

I found this list "50 Acts of Kindness by Kids for Advent" today on FaceBook. I am implementing these daily acts in our lives on top of other acts to truly know what it is like to be thankful for what we have and what we don't.

FIFTY ACTS OF KINDNESS BY KIDS FOR ADVENT

In a world of mean-assed selfish assholes, I am trying to show the girls what it is like to be a true human with the capability of compassion and caring. The world is way beyond our wants and needs sometimes.

I try to show the kids, hey, sorry we aren't living in a mansion and making a shit-ton of money to give you every trip and desire you want but, maybe, just maybe, if you work for it, share and give, the need for stuff (that is just stuff) wanes a bit. Seriously, you can't take this crap with you when you die. The trip to Disney is just that for the living left behind. The deceased is giving two shits.  They are somewhere else other than in this gluttonous human world. 

I only hope I'm 'doing it right' in this parenting thing. It is so hard to give your kids more than you had without making them selfish non-caring assholes. While being poor ourselves.