Gorillabuns

last ditch efforts

I think this (the way I'm doing it) is how a blog slowly dies. You lost your voice. Just getting out of bed and parenting two hormonal girls is enough to make you cry and retreat.

You are far too concerned about spray painting Halloween party centerpieces and throwing more shit onto the black fire than to think of anything relevant to write about - that even interests you.

You become the "Jan" of volunteering

Because.... SHIT/DAMN! Someone appreciates your committment!

and because, if you don't do it, NO ONE ELSE WILL! {What about the children'...?}

Because you might or you MIGHT have a late night Zulilly shopping addiction, you decide you are going to list your whole fucking house on Ebay, because? Why not? and because WHY THE FUCK NOT? I like to come up with more interesting descriptions than the generic. Something akin to "Sadly, there is no box as it was converted into an American Girl bed. You know, a girl has to create....."

 See? This is where my best writing is created!!!

Obviously not here.

Rich and I decided to go ONE MORE YEAR as something more entertaining as ourselves.

This year....

Rich is 'Juicy Joe and I'm Tre a.k.a. Teresa Guidice on her way to prison. We were invited to go to a party with peeps we meet oh, say? nine weeks ago?  Most of the crowd didn't know how to handle our 'owning the character' of the evening. Especially the part of the evening where I lost my keys say, 3.2 minutes into the party and let everyone know about this misfortune as I danced, drank, danced, "do you know where my keys are?", danced, talked, discussed the duality of man and life while using my flash light app of my phone to roam the asphalt streets of the country. After I did a major strip down in the bathroom trying to see if somehow something was shoved in my already overstuffed bra, Rich and I won 'Best Celebrity Couple.' In true form of most Oscar moments when the winner is ALWAYS in the bathroom, I missed out. I did however find my keys another hour later, underneath a table. Alongside a dinner roll and a wadded up napkin.

Let's see if we are invited again next year. Kinda doubtful when the hostess says, hey, next time? How about I hold your keys for you?

The kids dressed up and semi-survived Halloween.

This happened to the be the first year Celia didn't have a meltdown.

This happened to be the first Moira did.

This happened to be the first year, I popped three Prozac and contemplated calling my mommy.

I getting way too old for hormones and drama....

The kids were able to make their own choices for costumes.

Long gone any control on my part.

Celia's obsession with The Walking Dead is beyond the Monster High phenom.  Girl had us running all over town trying to find a pudding can as a candy collector. Though? Truth be told, I was so happy she didn't want to be a store bought packaged drone.

Diana, Goddess of the Hunt...  I added this part to the costume so she wouldn't be like the 30,000 others in this dress....The need to be 'pretty' is overwhelming. So the one picture that I felt like she didn't pose or want public or posted is the picture that is my favorite. Suffice it to say, the jury is still out on if she is going to be that chick you fucking hate because she has make everything look slutty, sexy and trashy for Halloween to feel better about herself.  I truly hope not.

I hope I can get this fragile flower to feel more independent and worthy of her own ideas and values. Mainly because it is more healthy and more well, say?

Individual.

 

 

 

 

 

Cheap-ass

 
I've spent way too much time as of late doing a shit-ton of calligraphy

Why, yes! This IS my dining room table of which we eat off of once a month....

if that.....

notice the fine etching of a gang member in tha house?

I leave the tag and up them one with all of the Pollock-like splotches in other places embedded into the wood for the chitlin's to do Rorschach interpretations during their morning slodge-fest.

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Watching "The Walking Dead" marathon before the new one starts on Wednesday. Correction: Celia is watching and obsessing over it.

I must say, I'm quite impressed with her charting capabilities and "natural recycling" use of found objects in the house to use as a binder.

And to think, SOME people said she was ADD in 2nd grade and not all together and there.....

Okay, I'll admit, the handwriting is total shit. We need to work on it.... but she gets a major A in dissemination and interpretation.

man, I love to try to use big technical words that really don't go into the sentences I type......

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Doing the kid's projects... I mean, helping them do their prospective projects. To clarify: I DID NOT draw the picture. Moira did! I just scanned it and popped it on a parchment paper background and added a super fab font for the cover.

I think we are SO GONNA rock the grade on this bio!

Being super stoked! (Because it is 1987) over a little coverage from the fruits of my labor: I say to the kids during their nightly homework sessions, "Go BIG! or go home!" Don't be one of the boring peeps who write their shit in crayon on white paper. Be the stand out! Even if you didn't follow the directions because you gave your mother the rules of assignment at 9:30pm the night before.

If you are gonna fail? DO IT EPICALLY!!! This kind of revoltism or is it revoltizm? will never get you in trouble around here. Unless you are in 9th grade and everything starts to go on your permanent record....

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Place Cards Rock!

Say! Look at that! Someone took a picture of my biz!  I have to say, this professional styling looks way better than the actual product....

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 Rich and I have had a constant debate over this subject for the past five years...:

"Rich says I am the Jan Brady of volunteering. I've never met a list I didn't sign up on. I think it is because I'm always trying to become the perfect Marsha, Marsha, MARSHA! and not succeeding at it so well."

He says I try to please all that do not matter and do not please those who do.

I would like to please all who don't and do matter because....

I'm constantly proving to myself that I can do better.

I'd say that is soooo.... a glass half-full analogy... I think....

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and finally!

I have become an EXTREME COUPONING FOOL/BITCH!

I can't tell you how obsessed and how clogged my phone is with stupid apps to save us money when you have to spend $50 first and may or may not get a rebate.

I didn't say I was smart, but will totally get nutty-town if I have to purchase something for $18.00 then get $3.00 off and then use a Target coupon on top of the $5.00 Target gift card rebate and 5% Target Debit Card deal.

Let's just say, I even confused Rich tonight with my paper coupons and two different scan codes from my phone to walk out of Target under $200.00.

This is what we call - Date Night.

We are officially old.

#tbt

looking ultra hot sans makeup with the addition of a scowl, double chin and a screaming child on my hip, rich decides this is the time to take a mother daughter portrait

After watching 'The Sound of Music' this evening, I have mandated tomorrow we only sing-speak to each other. To any song you like. Only because, "my soul died because you shrank my Van socks" sounds better to Katy Perry's, Roar.

than actual sulk-speak.

 

Hey, it snowed here! South Dakota would be totally disgraced by the next day school closing announced at 3pm!

Today!

5. In the cupboard #fmsphotoaday {Hi, my name is Shana. I am a spice hoarder.}

Living here is hard. very hard.

or, interesting.

I'll ask my girls when they are old enough to give an honest answer.

after many years of therapy.

Holiday workout

I have to say, even though I printed a TON of fluff during the month of November, it was kinda nice to air-out my rambling mind. I know, I KNOW!!! I did not successfully complete the challenge but I DID attempt it and for that! I'm happy with myself.

To recap since I left you:

We ate a crap-ton of food. I motor-boated all of the mashed potatoes and stuffing I could find!

and then tried to attempt an awkward family photo moment. After eating all of those damn carbs!!!

After almost barfing, we decided, this wasn't our next Christmas card.

and then had a Holiday Workout at Rich's family shindig.

I was successful in which I did not get into a fight with my sister-in-law, my father-in-law and the chocolate pumpkin pie my husband made me make the night before.

The day was truly a Christmas miracle.

I then, the next day (while slightly feeling shitty from BOXED WINE!,) wrote out 872 place cards for a big event happening on Saturday.

As you can see, I can Hulk-Smash the hell out of anyone and everyone with my 'forearm.'

My husband was very scared of my deformed arm this evening....

I currently can not hold a fork or pen but that is okay, because I made our mortgage and health insurance up during this paralyzing situation.

Another Christmas miracle!

Saturday, we hung out with our besties. In all of the true sense of the word.

We had two pitchers of Sangria on the patio of a restaurant and found ourselves 30 minutes out of town, having even more of a good time!

Well, at least the kids reaffirmed our feelings.

We tried on three separate fake-and-fades to steal, Mabel, a.k.a., Maybelline, for Moira's birthday present. 

It seems she is allergic to her hero. as well as I am.

Thank God! I can't afford a dog and THEM!

my kids....

While we were having a grand  'ol time, it seems we missed another GRAND 'OL TIME! with Rich's cousins and family members.

Do you remember that unmentionable, I can't stand? from his family?

Well, SHE made a grade-A, ass of herself.

We were doing quite a few high-fives in missing her spectacle of drinking copious bottles of wine, crying, humping family members, and then drunk-dialing all of her family members., who would not accept her call.

I won't even discuss how she tried to become one with the family dog. Well, not in the dirty-sense you are now probably thinking....

Really.so.glad.we.missed.this.situation.and.all.

Especially since, it was alluded, I'm quite jealous of her beauty and money.

At least I know how to say huge and not, uge.

I rest my case. Barf!

Now we are back to reality for another three-weeks. I'm hoping for a apocalyptic snow storm so I don't have to deal with carpool and laundry!

Going to stock up on the liquor and the carbs for our fore-casted, fun-fest!

I can only hope, we the family,  are drinking hot chocolate by a fire while watching America's Next Top Model and Vanderpump Rules.

What a vacation, indeed.

:Naked and Afraid

This weekend I caught up on my newest obession, Naked and Afraid. Have you seen this show?

photo courtesy of Discovery Channel:Naked and Afraid.  Just in case. I don't wanna get sued.

Thrill-seekers (one male and one female,) who self-proclaim themselves as Survivalists (some are actually trained,) go into a hostile location such as Borneo, Africa or some other forsaken place, drop trou and walk around acting as if they are clothed with some stranger they've never met. Of course the men are macho whiny-asses and the women have to save their asses the whole time. Sounds like the first year of marriage to me.......They get to bring along one survival item such as a knife, a pot to boil water in or as one douche-bag brought, a pair of goggles, to aid them in their surviving the elements.

Now, I can see how one would want to get all gung ho about surviving with THE MOST DEADLIEST of snakes in the world or wrestling alligators for fun and games but to do these actions naked? HELL TO THE NO!!  I mean, let's face it, I would freak the hell out over insects trying to bury themselves in my who-ha while trying to make sure my ass didn't smell like, well, ass.  The only plus side I could see to this adventure would be the 40 pounds lost due to dehydration, food loss and running from my partner who is threatening to kill me with his survival machete because I pissed him off with my nasty disposition. Let me just say, when I get hungry? I am totally more dramatic and mean than those people in those Snickers commericals.

 

Personally, I would rather go on Big Brother where the worst offense to my delicate sensibilities would be me squeezed into a lycra and spandex bodysuit while dangling off of a swinging hot dog and eating slop a.k.a. oatmeal while dealing with clothed assholes.  Let me tell you, NO ONE looks that good naked. I tell you, NO ONE!